Ask Audrey: How can I get my girlfriend to stop shouting for Jesus in bed?

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages.

Ciao. I took on a new girlfriend for 2018 as I had some spare time on Thursday afternoons. She is beautiful in bed, until orgasm time, when she shouts ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph, OH LADS!’ (Who are these lads?) Anyway, I am a deeply religious person except for the bits about making love to your neighbour’s wife, as long as she is hot. How can I get my girlfriend to stop shouting these curses at me? – Antonio, Milan and Model Farm Road, she’s from Killorglin.

I’m sorry to hear that. You obviously haven’t heard the First Commandment of dating a Kerry woman – Thou shalt wear ear-plugs in bed unless you want to hear about the lads. If you think that’s bad, I changed my medication once and ended up dating a guy from Listowel by mistake. Let’s just say there are sexier things at orgasm time than a freckled guy called Ger shouting “Here comes de Gooch, here comes DE GOOCH!” (I was in counselling for a month after him.)

We’re having a crisis here on our Facebook page, The Real Moms of Ballincollig. We used to allow everyone join the group, until someone discovered we’d let in a woman called Patricia from Togher. We only found out she was common when she posted a question saying her daughter was interested in the majorettes. (I had to look it up.) Anyway, we want to put a questionnaire on our Facebook page to weed out Norries and social climbers. Do you know what we might ask?

– Ciara, Ballincollig, I should have known there was something wrong with a name like Patricia.

I’d be astonished if she didn’t go to St Al’s. I asked my Posh Cousin if she knew of a killer question to flush out a Norrie. She said you need the Tony Test. I said how does it work. She said you ask How’s Tony, and if they say anything other than “As if I’d know a Tony!”, you’re talking Grade One Norrie Alert. It’s all learning with the Posh Cousin.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling under the spell of fanatical vegans inside in Clonakilty. As a result I have been told to prepare myself for a life without meat or dairy, not to mention pleasant smelling breath, as the fella says. I have done everything this woman ever asked, up to and including the use of deodorant, but this is a step too far. Do you think I should stand up for myself?

– Dan Paddy Andy, carry on through Rathbarry until you see a man licking a cheeseburger.

It’s a big ask. My guess is you’ll be the first vegan in West Cork without a trust fund or a rusty Volkswagen van known as The Spliffmobile. If you’re going to stand up for yourself, do it soon. Three days without milk or bacon for a West Cork man, and you’ll barely be able to lift your arm.

Hello old stock. Hoggy’s missus got wind of his ding-dong with an air hostess in the outdoor pool at the Kingsley Hotel. (British Airways. Hoggy doesn’t do budget airlines.) As a result, the Hogster will be crashing in Chez Reggie for the foreseeable. Marjorie is taking it very well, because I have yet to tell her. I feel bad in a way, because she has been with me for 27 years and gave me three kids. On the other hand, Hoggy sat next to me in Pres, for a week. How do you think I should break the ‘good news’ to the Marge?

– Reggie, Blackrock, I’m free Thursday night.

I can’t see that changing. It’s awkward when you have a friend crashing alright. My Conor’s friend, Maccer, stayed with us for a week after he had a thing with a mystery brunette. Things were very tense, mainly because I was the mystery brunette. (You should have seen the thighs on Maccer.)

Something will have to be done about the lottery. I spent 17 grand on a boutique ski holiday only to find myself in the same hotel as Euromillions winner, Sully from Churchfield. (He’s a fitter, which is some kind of job apparently.) Yesterday, when I was trying to impress some minor German aristocrats with photos of our 181 C Range Rover, Sully plonked down and said “Jesus, the pint here do be fierce expensive.” It’s only a matter of time before he starts talking about basketball. Any ideas how I might shake him off?

– Claire, Douglas, he keeps calling me ‘girl’.

It makes a change from nob-end. My techy nephew is involved in a research project to develop a spray to deter Norries. I said, what’s it called. He said Noreepell. I said what’s in it. He said things that Norries hate. I said you mean like recycling and spending more than 12 quid on a main course. He said ha ha. I said have you tested it? He said not yet, do you know any Norries. I said what do you think I am, a social worker?