Ask Audrey: How can I get my girlfriend to stop shouting for Jesus in bed?

Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages.

Ciao. I took on a new girlfriend for 2018 as I had some spare time on Thursday afternoons. She is beautiful in bed, until orgasm time, when she shouts ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph, OH LADS!’ (Who are these lads?) Anyway, I am a deeply religious person except for the bits about making love to your neighbour’s wife, as long as she is hot. How can I get my girlfriend to stop shouting these curses at me? – Antonio, Milan and Model Farm Road, she’s from Killorglin.

I’m sorry to hear that. You obviously haven’t heard the First Commandment of dating a Kerry woman – Thou shalt wear ear-plugs in bed unless you want to hear about the lads. If you think that’s bad, I changed my medication once and ended up dating a guy from Listowel by mistake. Let’s just say there are sexier things at orgasm time than a freckled guy called Ger shouting “Here comes de Gooch, here comes DE GOOCH!” (I was in counselling for a month after him.)