Ask Audrey: 'He turned his jocks inside out to get another month out of them'

Ask Audrey has been sorting out the people of Cork for years.

Ciao, One of my six girlfriends got a cold sore, so I went on Tinder to find a short-term replacement. As a result, I am sexting this girl from Cork and things are getting hot and heavy, you understand? Last night she said that she would like to do Pana with me. That sounds very beautiful and disgusting. What does it mean? – Jean Luca, Milan and Grange, I keep a lock of hair from all my old conquests.

You’re as romantic as a nightclub in Listowel called In Here for the Ride, Lads. Doing Pana can be beautiful and disgusting, depending on the time of day. I was in town last Saturday afternoon and Patrick Street was like a slice of heaven. When I was back there at 2am on Sunday morning, there was a drunk woman in a black leather mini-dress begging a young Garda to put her in handcuffs. Worse again, that woman was me. There is a video of it up on YouTube and, I must say, my hair looks amazing.

I’m doing a leg of the marathon on Monday that takes me through Blackpool. I’m nervous about this, because the only other time I went north of the Lee was to teach tennis to deserving Norries. It was so rewarding because I met my future husband, who went on to become a consultant in CUH, like myself. Anyway, tell me, what’s the best thing to say back to Northsiders when they’re shouting encouragement in their little voices? – Claire, Monkstown, I’m on my third nose.

Noses wear out so quickly when you talk through them all the time. I passed your question on to my Posh Cousin. She said the important thing is not to appear nervous, because the Norries can smell fear. Her neighbour in Blackrock arrived in tears at the Finish Line last year. The Posh Cousin said, what happened? The friend said, a Norrie shouted ‘Do you be from Mahon?’ The poor girl has been on medication ever since.

How’re oo goin’ on? I hear a new law means it is possible to cut your child out of the will. I’ll hardly get a better chance to make sure my brother, Mick Mike Mary, doesn’t get his hands on the farm. What could I tell my old mother to get him cut out of the will? – Mick, Mike, Mary, head out beyond Drimoleague until you see a man drinking milk out of his cap.

There’s only one thing that could turn a farming woman against her eldest son – tell her that he’s thinking of paying tax. You’d want to have a pen handy for the will change, because the shock might kill her. I’m busy working on my mother in Sundays Well at the moment, to get my sister Sweaty Nettie disinherited. I said, mum, Nettie is thinking of putting you in a cheap nursing home. My mother said how cheap? I said, you’re talking retired postmen. That did the trick.

I trust I find you well. I am making a documentary for the BBC about areas of unexplained excellence. It is clear to me after the European Championships that Skibbereen is just such an area, when it comes to rowing. Could you tell me how I would get in contact with some locals? – Harold, London, I was in boarding school from the age of three.

That’s quite old for posh English types. Your parents must have really loved you. So, you’d like to know the best way to approach someone from Skibbereen. My advice is to come from upwind and bring an interpreter. I think I know where they get their ability. I had a boyfriend from Skib and we were rowing all the time. The biggest row was after I said, no Noelie, it isn’t ok that you turned your jocks inside out to ‘get another auld month out of them.’ He said, Yerra like, listen to your one, you’d swear she was from Dublin. Well, that was the end of Noelie.

Hello dear. I’m chair of The Campaign for a Posher Cork, Model Farm Road branch. (We’ve been sniggering at Bishopstown people since 1964.) I have been asked to condemn the crows attacking people in CIT and make it clear that none of them are from the Model Farm Road area. My information is that these crows are Norries who came down on the number 8 bus, or worse again, they flew in from Ovens. (Imagine!) Can you help me get the message out? – Noreen, what is CIT anyway?

It’s U.C.C for people who drive an Opel. I hear they are having trouble with highly-strung old birds on the Model Farm Road. But enough about your friends in the bridge club. I’m glad the students are gone home though, and don’t have to deal with these crows. The last thing they need this time of year is to be distracted from making eejits of themselves with a dead dolphin.