Ask Audrey: My elderly boyfriend sent me a photo of his ding-dong, where can I get it enlarged?

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Hello dear. I have started a line with an older man from Carrigaline. We’re both into free love and mod cons, so yesterday he sent me a picture of his ding-dong via WhatsApp. Do you know where I can get it enlarged? — Emily, Sunday’s Well, I’m 84 years of age.

Thanks for that image. And I don’t mean the photo you enclosed with your letter. (It actually makes my Conor look like a player.) I don’t mind old people having sex. In fairness, you have to find something to do until Dáithí and Maura come back on RTÉ every afternoon. But is there any chance you could stop telling us what goes on in the bedroom? (Please tell me it’s only the bedroom.) There is only one thing more disgusting than sex between two people with bus passes. And that’s sex between three people with bus passes. Or, socialising, as they call it in Kinsale.