Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo going on? I see all these two-for-one offers at the moment for perfume for the Christmas. The problem is I only have the one wife. I was thinking I’d go on the old Tinder and get myself a bit on the side. What do you think of that? — Con Mickey Joe, turn left outside Kilgarvan and keep going until it gets dark

What do I think of that? I think I better get off the old Tinder. It’s terrifying to think that I’m only one swipe right away from letting you into my life. (No offence.) The last thing I need is a date with a man who uses an old piece of twine to hold up his pants. (Am I wrong, Con Mickey Joe?) That said, I appreciate that it can cost a fortune to keep a country woman in perfume. You’d nearly need two litres a day to cover up the smell of silage. (No offence.)