Ask Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for years

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How’re oo going on? I see all these two-for-one offers at the moment for perfume for the Christmas. The problem is I only have the one wife. I was thinking I’d go on the old Tinder and get myself a bit on the side. What do you think of that? — Con Mickey Joe, turn left outside Kilgarvan and keep going until it gets dark

What do I think of that? I think I better get off the old Tinder. It’s terrifying to think that I’m only one swipe right away from letting you into my life. (No offence.) The last thing I need is a date with a man who uses an old piece of twine to hold up his pants. (Am I wrong, Con Mickey Joe?) That said, I appreciate that it can cost a fortune to keep a country woman in perfume. You’d nearly need two litres a day to cover up the smell of silage. (No offence.)

Hola. I see that there are new direct flights from Madrid to Cork next summer. Tell me a little bit about your city, would I feel at home there? — Javier, Madrid, women go crazy for my deep voice

I’ll make you feel at home Javier. Just let me know where you’re staying and I’ll drive up and down past your bedroom window on a scooter at 4 in the morning. (Do Spanish people ever go to bed?) Anyway, you’ll find a great welcome here in Cork. A lot of the locals speak Spanish, as long as all you want to say is ole, ole, ole, Barcelona Iniesta Malaga tapas. I thought we might pick up more of your lingo by copying the Spanish students who come over here every summer. But we just ended up shouting at each other outside the McDonald’s on Winthrop Street.

I’ve just had the most brilliant idea! Why don’t we cordon off a piece of town for Christmas and charge people to go in there so it will just be full of rich people like myself? #NoNorries. #NoCulchies. — Regina, Lee Road, I never speak to my cleaner.

Sorry, but a cordoned off area for incredibly rich people at Christmas is not an original idea. Just look at the prices they are charging for some of the Santa Experiences around Cork. I think you’re missing the point of Christmas. It is a time to show generosity and understanding to every member of the human race, as well as people from Waterford.

Honestly, I have no problem brushing shoulders with people from Dungarvan who travel up to sample the lights. But then I’m not the type to get bothered by a spot of dandruff. (Someone should really tell them about shampoo.)

Good day. I am planning a trip to Cork to sample the atmosphere at Christmas around your town. What should I watch out for? — Lord Edwin ‘Farty Pants’ Von Poloplayer, I think Daddy owns Scotland

Sorry, to be the one to tell you, but the city is in complete lockdown right now. By school kids collecting for charity. One of our best men thought he had a clear route from Paul Street to the South Mall, only to find it blocked off by a group of Mount Mercy girls with a large yellow bucket. You’ll find it’s mainly posh kids collecting around Cork. (Posh for Cork, that is.)

Their parents didn’t get rich by handing over money to charity; not when they could send their kids out in December to take it off other people instead. As this is your first visit, you won’t be able to take part in a great old Cork Christmas tradition. That’s where you go through all your coats looking for a SHARE sticker from last year. Nice wan when you find one!

C’mere, I see there that your man Weddings by Franc is behind a big Christmas spectacular at the castle above in Limerick. I thought he was from Cork. Is that treason, like? — ‘Wan of our Own’ Gerry, Blackpool, I have a tattoo saying Donkey’s Gudge on my leg

It certainly is treason. He should be taken to the Tower. Or better still, take him to Tower. It’s the poor man’s Blarney. That will teach him a lesson. Look, Gerry, we shouldn’t begrudge Limerick a bit of glitz at Christmas time. It is after all a time to think about people less fortunate than ourselves. And the bash at the castle will hopefully keep the Limerick ladies who lunch at home. I ended up sitting next to a group of them in a café in Cork last year. They kept banging about on house prices in Castletroy as if someone would actually pay money to live in Limerick! And the prices they were quoting would hardly buy an outside toilet in Turners Cross.