Sex File: We're just married but my libido is gone — what does this mean?

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My husband and I got married several months ago and, to my surprise, my libido seems to have fallen off a cliff. We are a very happy couple, and I never had any doubts about committing to him, but something about the permanence of this step seems to have taken away the spark for me. Is this a terrible sign, or just an adjustment?

Marriage is a huge life transition, so I suspect you are going through a period of adjustment. You don't say much about your wedding, which is odd since it was relatively recent, but getting married can be a staggeringly stressful experience. You decide to get married because your relationship feels so important to both of you, but all too often, the wedding becomes more important than the relationship. No matter how laid-back you are, it is impossible not to get sucked in.

Historically, marriage was supposed to determine the beginning of the sexual relationship, so it represented a big shift. Today, more than nine in ten couples live together before marriage, so after the wedding, you have a ring on your finger and some nice photos, but you are still the same people living in the same place and doing the same things every day.

When you spend a long time planning your big day, actually being married can be surprisingly anticlimactic. In fact, post-wedding depression affects about 12% of newlyweds, according to 2018 research at the University of Kentucky. It is highly unlikely that the permanence of your situation has dulled your sexual spark, but you may need to change how you think about sexual desire.

Essentially, there are two types of sexual desire. Spontaneous desire is a motivational force. It is driven by the anticipation of pleasure and requires nothing more than two people with the hots for each other being proximate. Spontaneous desire propels people towards commitment, whereas responsive desire is an openness to the idea of pleasure. It is what happens when two people who trust each other lie naked next to one another, skin against skin, and when sensations start to flutter, they tune in rather than turn away.

Great sex is not about desire or sparks or spontaneity. It's about pleasure. It is about having the sex you enjoy having. It can be passionate, but it can be emotional or fierce, or playful or languid. When you are in it for the long haul, great sex is about figuring out what conditions make sex most pleasurable for you both. This knowledge doesn't transfer telepathically. You have to talk about it. It is amazing how many couples don't, but talking about sex and pleasure is hugely important. It builds the erotic connection between you and ensures you are clear about each other's needs. It gives you the tools to address any issues that might arise in the future.

You may be newlywed, but I doubt you are oblivious to the fact that marriages break down. Learning to focus on pleasure rather than desire and to communicate rather than ruminate will improve those odds considerably.

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