Sex File: He's too loud in bed - how do I tell him? 

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My new man is better than my ex in every way: kind, funny and the sex is amazing - until he approaches climax, when he is incredibly noisy for what feels like a mortifyingly long time. 

I don't want to be a buzzkill or dampen his pleasure, but how do I stop it putting me off?

Bear with me while I tell you something that seems irrelevant, but isn't. 

In 1987 Daniel Wegner, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, asked a group of students to talk about anything at all out loud for five minutes. 

The only rule was that they were not allowed to think about a white bear while they spoke. If a white bear came to mind, they were told to ring a bell. 

Despite the explicit instructions, on average the study participants thought of a white bear more than once every 60 seconds. 

Wegner later figured out that when humans try not to think of something, one part of the brain avoids the 'forbidden' thought but another part 'checks in' every so often to make sure it is not coming up, which, ironically, brings it to mind.

What does that have to do with copulatory howling? 

Well, as you lie there listening to your boyfriend wailing, you feel a mix of embarrassment and disgust but don't want to say anything because you don't want to kill his buzz. 

That conflict creates psychological stress for you, and the effort it takes to suppress how you feel about his cacophonous climax ensures that it constantly comes to mind. 

Although you are loath to say anything that might undermine your boyfriend's enjoyment, ignoring the fact that you find his vocals so off-putting is undermining yours. 

If you continue to say nothing, your distaste for his curious quirk will poison everything. 

In contrast, if you ask him why he makes so much noise and tell him that it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable, the white bears will disappear and you and your partner can begin to unpack whether there is a way for him to adjust the volume without decreasing his satisfaction.

This is not a conversation to have in the bedroom and your approach should be one of inquiry rather than accusation. 

He may, misguidedly, believe that wailing loudly is a way to communicate the extent of his sexual pleasure. He may argue that he can't do anything to adjust the volume. 

If that is the case, take him for a weekend at your parents' house and make sure to have sex. I guarantee that he will dial it down.

It is possible that you are unfairly comparing your boyfriend with former partners who were exceptionally quiet. 

However, you describe a man who howls like a wounded animal, not a man in the throes of sexual ecstasy, so I am taking your word. 

There is no consensus on what is the right amount of noise to make during sex, but most people consider some to be a valuable form of communication. 

It is a way of telling their partner where they are on the path to climax, and then that they have reached the point of no return. 

However, I think it is fair to say that for most people moderate noise is great, too much is too much, and complete silence is a bit awkward.

So, you need to talk and, whatever the outcome, the process will serve three purposes. First, understanding where the behaviour comes from will make you focus on it less. 

Second, knowing that it bothers you means he will, in all likelihood, automatically dial it down. 

And third, being open about a perceived problem sets a precedent for honest communication in your sexual relationship - and that will benefit much more than your sex life.

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