Sex File: I want to be told how good I am in bed

 I need a lot of positive reinforcement and praise in bed.

I need a lot of positive reinforcement and praise in bed. I want my boyfriend to tell me how sexy I am and how much he enjoys what we're doing. I've told him how much it gets me going, and he tries, but he says it feels forced. How can I get what I need in a way he finds comfortable?

Being asked to deliver any kind of sexual narrative when it does not come naturally can feel awkward. And it is not always conducive to great sex. Anything that makes a person feel self-conscious detracts from the experience because the brain can't simultaneously process feelings of self-awareness and sensations of sexual pleasure. I suspect your partner doesn't really understand why you need a stream of compliments to achieve climax. He may think you are high maintenance when the reality is that the connection between wanting and being wanted may be hardwired.

Marta Meana, a clinical psychologist at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, has argued that what women want from sex is to be desired. When a man voices his overwhelming appreciation for his partner it confirms to her that he doesn't just want to have sex, he wants to have sex with her. Of course, everyone likes to be praised, but most people don't require this to achieve climax - you may have a "praise kink".

I can hear readers choking on their croissants, but bear with me - there is a biological explanation. Praise, like food, sex, drugs, exercise and social interaction, activates the reward centres in the brain, which triggers the release of dopamine, the key neurotransmitter involved in stimulating orgasm. For some people praise becomes so bound up in sexual gratification that they can't experience pleasure without it. The term 'praise kink' emerged in a 2020 article written by Emma Austen in the online magazine Medium, but it may be approaching the mainstream since the character played by Rebecca Lucy Taylor (the musician Self Esteem) in Monica Heisey's new rom-com series Smothered confessed to having one.

I suspect that neither you nor your partner have viewed your need for positive reinforcement through this lens. If you want to read more Women and Kink: Relationships, Reasons, and Stories by Jennifer Rehor and Julia Schiffman (Taylor & Francis, 2021) is a good place to start.

Rehor is a marriage and family therapist and a licensed sex therapist, and Shiffman is a psychotherapist and sex educator. The bones of the book are built on the results of a survey of more than 1,500 women, which showed that 70% engaged in kink behaviours for their, rather than their partner's, pleasure.

Presenting your desire for praise in this context will either pique his curiosity or make him run a mile. Some men are fascinated by pushing sexual boundaries. Others are not. But it will move things on.

If he is willing to meet you halfway, do your best to make it easy for him. Tell him the phrases that work for you and be specific about how and when you would like them to be delivered. You need to teach him how to speak your language, and he needs to want to learn, but once he realises the power of using words in a spare and structured way to coax and tease you to a much more intense climax, the reward centre in his brain will fire up. Job done. 

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