Sex File: Making love after a long drought is tricky 

Pic: iStock

I'm in my late 60s and after a long period as a divorcee, have met a woman of a similar vintage who I deeply love and care about. 

However, she has not had sexual relations for more than 15 years and, while we share an easy intimacy and mutual physical passion, she's not ready to go further. How can I make her more comfortable?

If you are sharing "easy intimacy" and "mutual physical passion", it sounds like you are already doing the right things. Being considerate and not putting her under pressure is the best way to build trust, and if you are patient, intercourse is likely to happen in time. To help her to feel more comfortable you might want to look at a technique called sensate focus.

Developed by sexual research pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson to help couples who are having sexual difficulties, it is still used by sex therapists today. Broadly speaking, couples are advised to avoid intercourse and instead take turns exploring each other's bodies through touch; at first avoiding the genital area entirely, but gradually working their way towards it.

If you google 'Cornell Health sensate focus' you can download a three-page PDF from the university, which is a heavily condensed version of a chapter from Heterosexuality, Masters and Johnson's original 1994 book. You probably don't need to take all the baby steps, but using the method as a structured approach to the introduction of sexual touching, focusing on sensation rather than stimulation, might be a less intimidating way of moving towards intercourse.

I can understand why your partner might be anxious about having sex after such a long time. She may be worried that penetrative sex will be uncomfortable. A good lubricant is going to be essential and there is a huge array of luxury options to choose from. Look for products that are hypoallergenic and 100% natural if possible, and avoid anything with fragrance in it.

Choosing a lubricant and shopping for it with her online will confirm that you are committed to her sexual pleasure. It will also make it much easier for you to negotiate other potential difficulties as you move forward. Right now, the issue is her reticence about having sex, but you are approaching 70 yourself, so you may encounter a few challenges of your own. Most men of your age have begun to experience unreliable erections so if you have not spoken to your GP about Viagra or Cialis, now might be a good time. Both drugs come as tablets that you take orally about half an hour before you plan to have sex. Bear in mind that even once sex is back on the menu, your appetite for it might not be what it once was.

Whatever you decide to do, being open with your partner about sexual issues will make it easier for her to be honest with you. There is no right or wrong amount of sex to be having. If what you are doing is making you both happy, just keep doing it.

• Please send your queries to [e-mail]