Sex File: Why does my new partner take so long?

Although your partner doesn't seem to be bothered about it, delayed ejaculation is clearly having a negative effect on your experience, so it needs to be addressed before it takes the joy out of sex altogether

Spending much more time on foreplay with lots of manual and oral stimulation will mean that your partner is closer to the point of no return when you begin having sex. Picture: iStock 

I'm in my 50s and still have a high libido, but my current (younger) partner takes far too long to finish — 45 minutes or more — which is frankly starting to feel like an endurance test. He's not on any medication and can't see the problem. 

Many young men learn everything they know about sex from watching porn, which encourages the idea that being able to delay orgasm ad infinitum is highly desirable. In reality, the reason male porn stars can keep thrusting for hours is thanks to clever editing and industrial quantities of Viagra. 

Framing shorter sex as "a quickie" might make the idea of speeding up a bit sexier, while taking a more proactive approach to stimulation to vary his sensory experience might also help change the pace.

My concern is that he won't actually be able to do it. It takes an average of four to 10 minutes for most men to reach orgasm and anywhere beyond 20 to 25 minutes of sexual activity merits a diagnosis of delayed ejaculation (DE), so 45 minutes makes your man an extreme outlier. 

DE is only an issue if it causes distress. Although your partner doesn't seem to be bothered about it, it is clearly having a negative effect on your experience, so it needs to be addressed before it takes the joy out of sex altogether.

DE is complex because the cause can be physical or psychological, or, as is often the case, a mix of both. It can also be situational — in that it only happens during intercourse and doesn't happen during masturbation — or it can be lifelong and come out of the blue. 

Men are advised to talk to their GP as it can be an early indicator of underlying health conditions such as diabetic neuropathy (nerve damage as a result of diabetes) or low testosterone.

A 2023 study at Valparaiso University also found that the cause for DE was anxiety and distress for 41% of men. Unfortunately, the usual pharmacological treatment for anxiety is antidepressants — and as you probably already know — certain antidepressants can delay climax.

The good news is that for 23% of men in the study, delayed climax was caused by inadequate stimulation and for 18%, the issue was low arousal. Those issues are relatively easy to address. 

Spending much more time on foreplay with lots of manual and oral stimulation will mean that your partner is closer to the point of no return when you begin having sex. 

Introducing lots of different sensations, such as lubrication and toys, will also help to boost his arousal. In one small 2007 study, men with DE were taught to use a vibrator during sex. After just three months, 62% achieved orgasm during intercourse.

A good vibrator will alleviate anxiety by taking the pressure off both of you, and that should help you to get things back on track.

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