Sex file: Are separate bedrooms bad for a marriage?

If we don't sleep in the same bed is it the death of our sex life?

A study found that women living with snorers experienced headaches and tiredness and were three times as likely to report symptoms of insomnia — but it also found that sleeping in separate bedrooms made no difference to the symptoms they blamed on their partner's snoring and all that sleeping apart did was exacerbate marital problems

My husband snores like a bear, so we're thinking of having separate rooms. We don't want this to be the death of our sex life. How can we make sure it's not? We love spontaneity and don't want to 'book' each other in. We are in our 50s.

Snoring is an incredibly common problem and seems to get worse with age. By midlife, about half of all people snore. 

Last year research by Direct Line discovered that 72% of people who share a bed say their sleep is disrupted by their partner, and 32% say that's because of their snoring. Some 55% said they would consider a sleep separation and 12% had actually done it.

Sleeping together has many health and well-being benefits. German research found that when couples slept together their movements, heart rates, breathing, and sleep stages synchronised. When the researchers compared co-sleepers with solo sleepers they found that the co-sleepers had better sleep quality and increased sleep time. Other research found that couples who went to bed at the same time, slept together, and woke up together reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

However, sleeping in different rooms doesn't necessarily have to impact your sex life, and it may actually benefit you both. Not getting enough sleep makes anyone feel ratty, and that's definitely not sexy. 

A small study conducted by David Kalmbach at the University of Michigan found that sleep deprivation was associated with reduced sexual desire and arousal in women, while a study by Taylor Kohn at John Hopkins University found that for men, poor sleep quality was related to erectile dysfunction.

That said, the research is not straightforward. A study conducted in 2000 by Jan Ufberg at the Sleep Disorders Centre in the Avesta Hospital, Sweden, tracked 1,032 women aged 30-64 who were married to men who snored. It found that women living with snorers experienced headaches and tiredness and were three times as likely to report symptoms of insomnia — but it also found that sleeping in separate bedrooms made no difference to the symptoms they blamed on their partner's snoring and all that sleeping apart did was exacerbate marital problems.

Ultimately, you and your husband need to do what is right for you, but sex is opportunistic, and you are obviously much more likely to have regular sex if you sleep next to each other. If your husband is sleeping down the hall, that kind of spontaneous lovemaking is much less likely. If you want to have sex in bed there is no reason you can't go to bed together in the evening and then retreat to your separate boudoirs.

Alternatively, you could climb into bed with each other in the morning and then have a luxurious post-sex snooze afterwards.

Remember too that sex and sleeping arrangements are not synonymous. You could have sex in any room, of course — spontaneity is still an option.

Finally, snoring is annoying but it can also be an indication of a more serious health issue, and if your husband gasps for air when he snores he should definitely see a doctor. If it is regular snoring, there are various things that can help: making lifestyle changes such as losing weight and drinking less alcohol, trying nasal strips, and sleeping on his side using a supportive pillow that keeps his head raised.

These are all worth a try, because once you opt for separate rooms you are unlikely to reverse the decision, and that seems a bit sad to me.

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