Sex File: Living together is killing my libido

Don't restrict yourself to the bedroom, and try different times of day. They call it 'afternoon delight' for a reason

Mon, 24 Jul, 2023 - 07:42

Suzi Godson

Q: "My boyfriend and I have just turned 30 and have been together for six years. I thought moving into our own place would mean more sex, not less, but my desire has dropped off a lot.

Everyone jokes that your sex life bites the dust when kids arrive, but at this rate we won't have any in the first place.

What do we do?"

A: It's no surprise that the deterioration in your sex life has happened now. Moving in together was, I'm sure, an attempt to cement the relationship, but increased proximity can put additional pressure on you both. When you lived independently you had the freedom to dip in and out of the relationship as it suited you.

Moving in together is a big step, and it can really change the dynamic of your sexual relationship.

When you lived apart you had to make an effort to see each other. There was a degree of anticipation before you met, and no doubt that added a certain piquancy to your sexual life. Now you live together, all that build-up is gone. You don't have to plan anything, and because you can have sex whenever you want, it loses some of its appeal.

It's important to avoid complacency. Making a bit of an effort is crucial for both of you. So is remembering the romance.

Don't give up on dating just because you are living at the same address. Think about extending foreplay to allow sexual desire to fully kick in. Don't restrict yourself to the bedroom, and try different times of day. They call it 'afternoon delight' for a reason.

If you continue to find it difficult to respond sexually, there may be something deeper bothering you. For many people, especially those who are in long relationships, 30 is something of a turning point. However happy they are, there is a tiny corner of their brain that wonders if they are happy enough. Relationships are all about timing, and although, if you met your boyfriend today, you might marry him in a heartbeat, after six years the sheen may have worn off a little.

You mention kids, and one of the main problems for young women is not having the luxury of dragging their feet when it comes to deciding who to spend the rest of their lives with and start a family. Throwing away a perfectly reasonable long-term relationship in the hope that you might find someone else is a big risk that most women talk themselves out of. Intellectually that makes sense, but sex is instinctual. No matter how much a part of you wants to settle, your libido won't co-operate unless it is certain you're doing the right thing.

None of this means that you and your partner shouldn't be together, but avoiding the issue is not a good idea. At the moment it sounds as though you are rejecting your partner sexually for reasons you cannot articulate. Being honest with him about the fact that you're having trouble adjusting to cohabitation will make a lot more sense to him. Moving in together is a big change, and if you can admit that it is making you feel a bit anxious, you are more likely to find your way back to each other.