Sex File: Should I have lied and said he's the best I've ever had?

That question, however jokey, reflects a degree of insecurity on your husband's part, so the smartest response would have been to confirm what he obviously wanted to hear

In a jokey, post-coital conversation, my husband of 15 years asked me if he was the best lover I'd ever had. I replied, "Well, there was X . . .", referring to a fling I had in my 20s. I was surprised by how much this hurt my husband's feelings. How can I reassure him?

That question, however jokey, reflects a degree of insecurity on your husband's part, so the smartest response would have been to confirm what he obviously wanted to hear and give him a light-hearted but reassuring validation of your sexual relationship.

Although he has interpreted what you said as criticism, most people realise that the difference between great sex and a great relationship is emotional intimacy. You can have great sex with a stranger only to discover, over breakfast, that they eat with their mouth open and their mother still does their laundry. A great relationship is when two people genuinely like and trust each other, and they feel so comfortable about the strength of their connection that they can reveal who they are without fear of judgment or rejection - plus, they get to have sex.

Sex is, of course, an important part of the equation, because sexual satisfaction influences relationship satisfaction, but it is useful to quantify the extent of this influence. Clinical psychologist Barry McCarthy and his long-time collaborator, the psychologist Michael Metz, found that a satisfying sexual relationship is a significant contributor to successful couples' happiness with their relationship as a whole - but not the most important.

They advocate what they term the 'Good-Enough Sex' model, which prioritises intimacy and recognises that the quality of sex varies from day to day, and can range from very good to mediocre, or even to dysfunctional. Having a realistic understanding of what to expect in a long-term relationship is important.

Having reasonable expectations about sex helps to inoculate couples from insecurity and protects against sexual problems in the future. None of us is immune to pervasive fantasies about 'ideal' sexual relationships. The 'Good-Enough Sex' model is not about 'spicing up' your sex life; it's about encouraging intimacy by celebrating playfulness and affectionate touch, and the experience of arousal for its own sake.

The best way to reassure your husband that you appreciate what you have together is to continue having sex with him. Both of you should bear in mind that most couples stop being extremely sexual with each other within two to five years of marriage, and one in five couples have sex less than once a month. The fact that you still like each other and you still have sex with each other means that you are doing just fine.

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