Sex File: Why is he so lazy about sex?

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Since my husband hit his 50s, he has stopped making an effort with foreplay. He's quite sensitive if I even so much as hint at this issue. I can't help feeling resentful. How do I deal with it?

It sounds as though your husband is feeling anxious about the reliability of his erection, and the reason he rushes sex is because he is scared that he will lose it if he delays. Drawing attention to the issue could make matters worse, as it will increase the chance of him developing performance anxiety. However frustrated you feel, in this instance the best way to solve your problem is to help him to solve his, and the first thing you need to do is talk to him about visiting a GP. Wear and tear is inevitable with age and lots of us put up with nagging health concerns for years before we realise there is something more serious going on, but your husband shouldn't ignore this - it can be an early warning sign that something else is wrong.

Because he can maintain firmness long enough to have penetrative sex, the chances are good there is nothing to worry about. However, it's important he gets checked out because research shows that erectile dysfunction can be a predictor of cardiovascular disease and dementia.

The older a man gets, the more likely he is to experience vascular changes that impair blood flow. Ageing is a physiological inevitability, but the issue can be exacerbated by underlying conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and hypertension, as well as lifestyle factors such as drinking too much alcohol and smoking.

According to the Irish Heart Foundation erectile dysfunction (ED) affects one in 10 men at any given time with the incidence rising with age. A lot of those men do nothing about it because they are scared to go to the GP. All that your husband's doctor will do is ask him about symptoms, do some basic health checks and conduct some simple tests, such as checking his blood pressure. The good news is that if your husband is given a clean bill of health, there are a number of pharmaceutical solutions to help him - and you. PDE5 inhibitors such as Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, Staxyn and Stendra all work by relaxing smooth muscles and increasing blood flow during sexual stimulation.

From a psychological perspective, treating the problem will help your husband to feel more confident, and he will be able to focus on foreplay. When rushing sex has become a habit, it can take a little while to change that behaviour. The best way to reintroduce the idea of more foreplay is to prime him when you are not having sex. Text conversations during the working day, which hint at the joy of extending arousal by exploring each other's bodies, are a great way to create excitement and anticipation. They also allow you to communicate what you want. 

Even with a pharmaceutical solution, your husband may need time to process the fact that he is getting older and his body is letting him down, so focus on positivity and playfulness, and use humour to keep things light. If you can find constructive ways to navigate the challenges of ageing together, you will both be happier, healthier and enjoy better sex together in later life.

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