Sex File: Phone sex was a disaster for us

For some couples being apart more than they are together means that they end up building different lives away from each other

My boyfriend recently started working abroad. We tried having phone sex and it was a disaster - we both just found it so cringey and gave up. Next we tried sexting. I just didn't find it a turn-on. How can we keep a sexual dialogue going when we only see each other every couple of weeks?

Distance tends to either prolong or curtail the romance. Sometimes "out of sight" really is "out of mind". 

For some couples being apart more than they are together means that they end up building different lives away from each other. Reunions start to become awkward or inconvenient and the relationship eventually fizzles out. 

But for others, absence really can make the heart grow fonder. Distance facilitates idealisation largely because you don't have the opportunity to get bored with each other. 

It is also true that relationships that are not exposed to the ordinary stressors of daily life tend to remain shinier for longer. It can enhance sex too. 

When there are fewer opportunities for your relationship to become routine, it is far easier to preserve the sense of "otherness" that can make sex so unpredictable and exciting.

Initially, long-distance relationships tend to be more intense. The pain of parting is tempered by the prospect of reunion. 

While you are separated, anticipation heightens desire, and after weeks or months of separation the sex tends to be exciting. Couples who don't overcommunicate tend to fare better. Technology makes it so easy to stay in touch with video calls and text, but filling the space between you with pedestrian communication is not a good idea. 

You might feel you "should" be doing your best to remain connected, but talking every morning, texting through lunch and having a video call every night even though you've got nothing left to say to each other is probably the most effective way to unravel a long-term relationship.

I suspect the phone sex and the sexting seemed like something that you "have" to do as well - but I can tell you right now, you really don't. 

That you were both able to admit that you hated it is great, as it means you've crossed a big hurdle - that of open communication. You should only do what works for you and if that means saving sex up for two weeks and then having a weekend of passion, go for it. 

Staying connected while you are apart is not about trying to replicate the things you do when you are together. It's a different experience, so make the most of the opportunities it presents.

If you're keen to pursue alternative ways to remain sexually connected, you could explore technological solutions. There are products and apps that can be used to control vibrators remotely. 

The market leader Kiiroo specialises in long-distance his'n'hers sex toys operated via an app. You and your partner each have a toy that you can operate for each other, or use by yourself.

Alternatively, instead of focusing on sex, why not focus on romance. Write each other letters. Send each other little gifts or exchange photos or short films. 

Taking the time to make your communication meaningful will strengthen your emotional bond and ensure that the sex you have every couple of weeks is intense. 

If you stay together long-term, it also means that you have a lovely record of memories you can look at and enjoy in years to come.

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