Sex File: Is pornography ruining our connection in bed? 

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Overall our sex life is good - regular, satisfying, no technical issues - but after nearly 30 years of marriage it feels increasingly functional. I'm all for quickies but I miss feeling emotionally connected to my husband in bed. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a porn film (and not in a good way). How do we get that intimacy back?

At first glance, your problem is one that many of my readers would be happy to have. To have a good, regular and satisfying sex life with your husband after three decades is enviable but your reference to feeling like you are in a porn film is a red flag. It makes your sexual interactions sound one-sided, as if your desire isn't part of the picture and sex is a performance that facilitates your husband's sexual pleasure. You don't actually say whether your husband uses porn but most men do.

Some older men use porn as a way of generating arousal prior to having sex with a partner. The problem is that it can inform how a man interacts during sex. If he is trying to hold on to a stimulus in his head, he may be more emotionally disengaged and directive, resorting to the kind of fast or gymnastic sex that is standard fare in porn. The fact that the sex you have is often very quick would align with this.

Using porn as a stimulus is effective to some degree but over a sustained period it's not particularly enjoyable. Pornography produces quick, reliable orgasms but there is an enormous difference between sex as a form of mutual intimacy and sex that is purely about self-gratification and achieving orgasm. Intimacy requires people to be vulnerable, to allow themselves to feel the intense emotions that sex can open up. To be intimate in the first place, couples have to be willing to trust implicitly, communicate honestly, and respect each other's integrity enough to know that when each person is alone and out in the world, away from the dyad, they will uphold their commitment and have each other's backs.

Shifting your sex life from one that is "technical" to one that is "emotional" requires you both to be honest about how you are feeling. Your relationship clearly wasn't always like this, because you say you miss feeling emotionally connected to your husband. Getting him to talk about what has changed for him and why would be a good start but you also need to focus on what you need and what you feel is missing.

He seems to be worrying about maintaining sexual function and performance, whereas what you really want is emotional connection, intimacy and some good old-fashioned romance. Both are important now, but as you get older, strengthening your emotional bond will be of even greater importance than his ability to get and keep an erection. That's because with age the need for sex often diminishes but the need for love, touch, care and closeness never do.

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