Ask Audrey: ‘You’re not getting near me, ya gowl, with your Wibbly Wobbly Wonder’

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

HELLO, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I joined a new dating app for over-sexed country people last week: It’s called Randy & Rural. I love it, the way I can ‘go for a spin’, mar dhea, with a muscle-man from Boherbue and be home in time for Fair City. Unfortunately, the app has become flooded with newcomers, or ‘noobs’, as they’re known by people who wish they were American. This is because they cancelled the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival this week, causing a lorry load of lonely bogmen to join the app, with their old-fashioned dating habits. I had one fella, from Clonmel, asking me if I wanted to ‘go for an ice-cream’. I said, ‘Is that what they call it in Tipperary now?’ He said, ‘Call what? I’d just like to sit on a wall with you and eat ice-cream.’ Didn’t I finish that conversation with, ‘You’re not getting near me, ya gowl, with your Wibbly Wobbly Wonder.’ Well, didn’t he report me and I got a phone call from some 14-year-old Yank telling me that I’m suspended from the site. So, like, how can I make it clear to men that I’ve no interest in courting?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond