Ask Audrey: 'is the loaded hippy look a thing this season in West Cork?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

HELLO, it’s Rosealeen, here in Ballydesmond. I have a sister living above in Dublin; you’d swear she never set foot in north Cork, the way she talks like she has a packet of bon-bons inside in her mouth. 

She was down with her new man, Hugo, over the bank holiday weekend and it was all, ‘Oh, Rosealeen, have you ever thought of watching BBC Four to improve your diction, particularly when we have visitors? Hugo’s father has a huge yacht.’ 

Well, didn’t I drop every ‘h’ in sight just to get back at the old bitch. I never said, ‘Turty tree’ as much in my life. She went back to Dublin on Monday, thank God, and I thought no more of it, until didn’t I get a WhatsApp voice message from Hugo’s father on Wednesday, saying he’d seen a video of me acting the clown and would I like to sail around Ireland with him on his huge yacht. 

I got onto him and said, ‘Sorry, now, Hugo Senior, is it a performing seal you’re looking for, or a partner in passion?’ Wasn’t he straight back with a photo I won’t describe in public. So, like, do you think I should go?

-Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend Anita struggles with sex addiction: We call her Anita Man. I said, ‘What would be your take on sailing around Ireland with an ancient millionaire?’ She said, ‘I’d need proof that he can hoist his spinnaker.’ I said, ‘Is that a double entendre?’ She said, ‘No, it’s a single entendre. You hardly think I’m talking about sailing.’

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Know How Much you Paid For your Birkenstocks. Elli_NotSmelly was on first thing this morning to say she’s up to 90, because her son, Euan, is starting his Leaving Cert. 

Lorna_WhiteRangeRover said it can be hard focusing on your own needs with an anxious young adult around the house. Elli was straight back with, ‘Who cares about that. If people hear that I have an 18-year-old child it will just advertise that I’m old and weak, and predator women, like Emer Cronin-Buckley, will start to hit on my Ken.’ 

Fifi_2WhiteRangeRovers came on then and said, ‘The best thing to do when you feel threatened is to spend loads of money in a way that makes you look caring, which is why anyone worth their salt in Crookhaven is wearing limited-edition Birkenstock sandals. Look at me, I’m a loaded hippy.’ No one told me about this — is the loaded hippy look a thing this season in West Cork?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang my friend there in West Cork and said, ‘What’s the difference between a loaded hippy and a real hippy?’ She said, ‘A loaded hippy pretends to love the environment, while a real hippy pretends to love their parents, so they’ll keep sending them five grand a month’.

C’mere, what’s the story with going out five nights in a row? Myself and the old doll went out with Budgie and his old doll on Monday to celebrate the re-opening of the pubs. It was great not having to stand with a paper cup in your hand all night, but you’d miss having a slash in the river. 

Mind you, the old doll said she hardly misses that at all. I suppose it’s no joke squatting above a 20-foot drop after four Porn Star Martinis. Anyway, along comes Tuesday and we’re off out on the lash again, because you never know when they’ll reimpose lockdown. 

Same again Wednesday, although I’m struggling big time with the old heart burn. We should take a night off and recharge-for-the-weekend-sort-of-thing, but I’m afraid to suggest anything to Budgie, in case he thinks I’m some kind of dry balls from Switzerland. So, like, what’s the best way to tell an Irish man you’ve had enough of the bevvy?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My neighbour runs a walking group for people who are off the booze. I said, ‘What kind of reaction do you get when you tell people you’re off the drink?’ He said, ‘It’s incredibly quick.’ I said, ‘The reaction?’ He said, ‘No, the speed they run away from me.’ #WeDontLikeItWhenYouGiveUp

Hey dude. I’m so cool, I think that Richard Branson is misunderstood. So when I see that he’s in a race with Jeff Bezos to be the first billionaire in space, my first thought is, ‘Wake up, Ed, forget about your dream to sell kimchi doughnuts out of a horsebox in Rocky Bay.’ 

It’s time to raise your sights and shoot for the stars. I got on to my friend, Kai, from school. He’s todally the dude when it comes to designing stuff and he can’t see any reason why I shouldn’t repurpose my horsebox as a really sick space vehicle. If this doesn’t impress the Brazilian chick in samba practice, nothing will. 

So, Audrey, would you like to be on the maiden flight?

-Ed, Ballintemple

It’s been a while since I heard the words ‘Audrey’ and ‘maiden’ in the same sentence. I thought this was the worst invitation I received in my life — and then I remembered that time I was asked to judge a fashion show in Boherbue. #SoManyFrocks