Ask Audrey: Do I have to pay tax on my OnlyFans, tell me?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I was looking at your man Matty Gilbert on Instagram, for longer than would be considered pure by my cousin the nun, and her with a boyfriend. Matty is the Irish fella that makes a fortune on the OnlyFans website, sharing photos of himself topless. 

On the one hand, it’s a sad reflection of the way society is going that a lad feels the need to share photos of himself in the semi-nip. On the other hand he makes 50 grand a month, so I registered there and put up a photo of myself in a Kerry jersey, because they’re fierce perverts over there across the border. Didn’t I make €12,000 in one hour. Do I have to pay tax on that, tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My neighbour is an accountant, he’s as boring as a Saturday night in Fermoy. (And that’s BL — Before Lockdown.) I said, any advice for a Cork woman who parades herself like a complete eejit for people in Kerry? He said, are you entering the Rose of Tralee?

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who’d Like to Know Why You Let Us Out Of Your Bubble. Laura_15grandCargoBike said no one she knows listens to a word Tony Holohan says any more, because to be honest it doesn’t suit them. 

Fifi_RecycledDiamonds said she’s bubbled up with Emer Cronin-Buckley and her kids because they have a swimming pool, so that’s the end of Fifi in our group because Emer’s husband only went to Colaiste Chriost Ri. (We think they might have won the lotto, but it’s so hard to prove.) 

I’m so sick of my kids, I’m actually thinking of joining the Navy, even though Kiera with a K said it’s just for Norries. So, are we allowed to form a bubble with people, particularly if they’re from the same social class as us?

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I looked up the HSE website there for guidance. If I had to sum up the current advice, it would be, move to another country because there won’t be an ounce of fun here before 2025.

C’mere, what’s the story with bringing my old doll on a staycation in Donegal? I know it’s shocking far away but Budgie was up there last summer with his old doll and he said it was like Kerry without all the slyness and fake friendliness, do you know that kind of a way. 

The only thing he warned me about was the Donegal lads have these gorgeous sexy accents that make them sound like enchanted baboons that could take your old doll from you with one ‘och, how ya doooin, love?’. 

He said they’re basically Daniel O’Donnell without the moany bits and he was lucky to get his Jill back home to Cork with him, the way things were going. So like, are there any precautions I should take if we go up there in July?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Don’t talk to me about precautions in Donegal. #Itchy. I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what would you use to protect against a Donegal accent. She said, I’d recommend a good muff. I said, a good what!!? She said, ear muff. I said, oh right!

Hello, old stock. There is hardly anything to do now that Micheál Martin has called in the army to stop Shorty Cudmore landing his Lear Jet on the Marina, so fat chance you have of bumping in to a Beautifully Spoken Cork Millionaire on the Promenade Des Anglais in Nice. 

Anyway, the devil makes work for idle hands, you know yourself, didn’t Bunty Harrington start buying items from lower order websites and getting then delivered to my door. Now, I’m sure someone in Wilton or the Skehard Road would be delighted to get a package from Sports Direct or Argos, but if word of my deliveries gets out, I’m toast here on the Blackrock Road. Do you know how I might get Bunty to stop?

— Reggie, Blackrock Road, I’ve not adverse to violence.

My uncle went into private security because he didn’t even get the points for the Regional Tech. I said, what would you use to threaten someone on the Blackrock Road? He said, social housing.

Dia duit, it’s Phelim here from the Cork branch of We’re Watching Your Every Move, WWYEM. I saw a headline in the media saying that it’s the students are to blame for the latest wave of Covid, with their bed-hopping and Tik-Tok videos. Well feck that anyway and the rest of us condemned to a life of monogamy, if we’re lucky, which I’m not really. So, on behalf of WWYEM I hereby call for all the students to be locked into their accommodation until we have reached Zero Covid, with protective devices on their genitals. Is there any chance you’d like to meet me for a walk, 2 metres apart, masks on?

— Phelim, Magazine Road.

I was thinking I’d rather go on tour of the sewer in Dungarvan, until I took a look at your Facebook page. Why didn’t you mention that you’re Cork’s answer to Jamie Dornan, you daft God Botherer? So it’s a yes! Shakey Bridge, 2pm, Sunday.