Ask Audrey: 'I can't click-and-collect my new Range Rover. Do you think I could bribe a Guard?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey online

Hello, it's Rosealeen here, from Ballydesmond. Happy new year, my arse, with the schools closed and my boyfriend up in Bishopstown after asking me if I'd move into the house with him and look after his two kids from a previous relationship. 

Would it kill his ex- wife not to turn up every second day, with half the Brown Thomas make-up counter plastered onto her face and her in a pair of gym pants to show off all the running she can do because gobshite here is minding her kids? 

To make matters worse, he's expecting a gymnastics display in the bedroom every night, as if I'd something better to be doing than going to sleep. I can't make up my mind if he's taking me for granted, or for a fool. Do you have any idea, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I totes hear you, Rosealeen. I had fierce trouble with My Conor's ex-wife when we started dating. 

She was terrified we'd be seen together, because her family didn't know she was bisexual.

It's getting frosty on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Like to Remind Teachers that Our Taxes Pay Their Salaries. 

Lorna_2RangeRovers said she still has the hump with her local school, after her Hugo was suspended for his 'My Mom todally earns more in an hour than you do in a week' comment. (H ard  to believe he's only 4). Fifi_ CEO said, 'Ya, Lorna, and now the teachers have a month off to do remote learning, AKA learning what the next episode of Bridgerton is like at 11 in the morning, while we're stuck minding our kids .' 

The problem is, I fired my au pair after she gave my husband a twin-pack of Calvin Klein boxers from TK Maxx for Christmas, because we'd be toast on Rue De Douglas if someone saw a TK Maxx bag in our recycling. So, does anyone have a Covid-free au pair that I could borrow ?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

My cousin is an expert on parenting, even though she doesn't have any kids. (No shortage of them around.) 

I said, 'Has anything changed on the home-schooling front since the last lockdown?' She said, 'Absolutely, a lot of my clients have switched to double Negronis'. #Practical

Guten Tag: I have been living in Ireland now for three years and have mastered the way you speak English here, except for the way Cork people say, 'Look at that Nowlaa'. (Do you think my name is Nowlaa? I have done nothing to give you this impression.) 

However, now something else is confusing me. In the past few days, I have seen government figures using the word 'firm' in a way that I would not expect. We were told that it was the Government’s firm intention to open the schools next week. Only today, I read Niall Collins saying that the Government is 'very firm' on a commitment to a normal Leaving Cert exam this summer. So, does this mean it will happen? 

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

I've had a bad experience with the phrase 'firm intention'. A multi-millionaire approached me at Cork Week a few years back and said it was his firm intention to marry me. Unfortunately, it was the only thing firm about him, if you get my drift. 

I passed your question on to my political-anorak cousin. When a politician uses the word 'firm' in a sentence, he or she is really saying: 'We all know this is bullshit, Micheál made me say it. Vote me!!’.

Happy new year, old stock. Consternation here on the Blackrock Road, with news that click-and-collect might be completely curtailed under the new restrictions. That probably won't affect people in poorer areas, like Ballinlough and the Skehard Road — if one of ye bought a pair of jeans in Brown Thomas, ye'd probably be, 'Oh, look at me, Cork's answer to Bill Gates.' 

But we operate in thinner air down here on the Blackrock Road and this new lockdown means I can't click and collect my new, limited-edition, 211-C Range Rover. Hoggy already has his and didn't he fly a banner over my €4.8m mansion yesterday, saying, 'Reggie is a loser'. This is the nightmare scenario. Do you think I could bribe a guard at a checkpoint? 

- Reggie, Blackrock Road

I rang the gardaí there and said, 'What would you say to Reggie at a checkpoint, if he said he was on his way to pick up a car?' 

The garda said, 'We'd remind him that the correct term is vehicle, not car, and warn him not to do it again.' #Helpful.

Ya, so, like, I'm todally a young professional, sharing a house with two other young professionals. One of them has become vegan in the new year and wants her own shelf on the fridge, because she doesn't want her organic tofu coming into contact with my steak. She said I totes better not object or she'll have me cancelled on Twitter by angry vegans, as if there's any other kind of vegan, because they're always starving. The problem is, I fancy her: What do you think I should do? 

- Lorcan, Boreenmanna Road

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Lorcan. But my guess is she has gone to extraordinary lengths to send you a clear message:  I don’t want to touch your meat. Sorry about that.