Ask Audrey: 'What kind of food would Norries like from a food truck?'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

It's all go on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don't Care About Side-Effects As Long as We Can Go Skiing. Lorna_WhiteRangeRover said she used a bit of pull and is getting a jab of the Pfizer vaccine Thursday week, so she and Ken can nail  down one of the top-10 villas in St Moritz,  for March. Fifi_200GrandExtension gave that  three thumbs down and said herself and Brian are top of the queue for the Oxford University vaccine, because we all know she suffers from her notions. I'm after hearing about this revolutionary, new Cork vaccine, called Langball. The good news is it's 98% effective; the bad news is it  can cause shocking errors of judgement and two of the test cases actually moved to Carrigaline.  Is this true,  now? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My friend volunteers for a lot of trials, and she said it's an amazing way to meet hot doctors. I said, Have  you heard of Langball? She said, Yeah. I said, And what about the two people who ended up moving to Carrigaline? She said, They had  been living in Frankfield, #StepUp .

How're oo' goin' on? Herself is after falling in with a bunch of anti-vaxxers back in Bantry.  She hasn't slept for three nights after being told that the drive-through Santa experience in town is actually Bill Gates dressed as the man in red and isn't he after putting vaccines in the lucky bags they hand out to the kids. I said, That's about as dubious as an impromptu party above in RTÉ, and didn't she storm off to go and live with an English anti-vaxxer, called Clive, outside Goleen.  He gets regular messages from the universe, no less. I wouldn't mind getting her back for Christmas, because I haven't a clue how to work the oven. Is there anything to be said for writing her a poem, tell me? 

— Dan Paddy Andy (Head out beyond Dunmanway, until you see four Vauxhall Vivas for sale).

Here's a limerick that might help. Your wife, she upped sticks and she ran- a- way, It's all  of the talk in Dunman- a-way ,  She  feels so alive, getting jiggy with Clive, Have  you tried Tinder? #NotALimerick

Hi, it's Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I’ve been seeing this guard inside in Bishopstown now for three weeks and the whole thing is thickening up like Bisto. The only problem is, I don't feel like I know him that well, because a lot of our encounters take  the form of a role-play, where he interrogates me for cigarette-smuggling offences while I'm dressed in some get-up he bought   in Ann Summers. I'm addled with the lust even thinking about it. Anyway, didn't he break off the interview last night and ask me if I'd like to spend Christmas Day with him in his mother's place and her living in Castlemartyr. I was completely taken aback. I said, You never told me you are from East Cork, you snake; sure, that’s just Waterford with a second pair of socks. Is this class of duplicity a red-card offence, tell me?  

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

Nightmare.  You think you know someone and they suddenly spring, 'I'm from East Cork' on you. Only last night, I was telling My Conor about a guy I was seeing from Youghal and how it turned really awkward. He said, What was awkward about it? I said, It was last week. Awks. (We’re back in counselling.)

Hey,  dude, I'm from the richest family in Ballintemple, measured by the number of us that bought a coffee truck, so we could meet posh chicks around the Marina at the weekend. The thing is, I'm todally  about the communism (#equality, #BlackLivesMatter, #Biden2020) and I think it's ridiculous that all the open-air markets around Cork are aimed at beautifully spoken,  urban chic gangsta dudes like myself, ya feelin' me? So myself and my colleagues in the Sound Rich Socialist Collective, Cork branch, are setting up a market for the masses  this Christmas. I've been put in charge of food trucks.  My motto is, 'No Noodles, No Boar Burgers'. So, like, what kind of food would Norries like from a food truck?

— Ed, Ballintemple.

My cousin is a Norry.  We call her, well, very rarely, because she's from the northside: Do you know that kind of way? I said, What would you expect from a food truck? She said, To be served by an entitled knobend in a beenie. I said, You're going to LOVE  Ed from Ballintemple. (No offence.)

Hey,  girl, my bee-atches on the parents' WhatsApp group are organising a girls' night out soon as poss, Level 3 baby, Bishopstown Moms on the Pull, Lock up Your Husbands. Thing is, I don't have a hair appointment until January 12  and the only one who can take me next week is like  someone out of a slasher movie. Do you have any dirt on a leading Cork stylist, so I can get her to cut my hair, blackmail Bishopstown style bay- bee ? 

— Deirdre, Bishopstown.

My  friend went into hairdressing, even though she had the points for arts. (Best move of her life.) I said, Would you be able to fit in someone from Bishopstown? She said, Is she annoying? I said, She's from Bishopstown. #NuffSaid