Sex File: My girlfriend wants to have sex in the shower

Mon, 14 Sep, 2020 - 13:32

Suzi Godson

Q. My new girlfriend wants to have sex in the shower. I know it's something she did a lot with previous boyfriends, so it makes me feel as though I am on some sort of conveyor belt. Apart from that, I find the experience uncomfortable. I can't 'perform' in this way.

A. Your inability to perform in a shower is no reflection on your sexual function. Sex in the shower is uncomfortable; so uncomfortable that most people only ever try it twice — once to see what it is like and one more time to see if it was really that bad. When you are in an environment that you don't enjoy or that makes you feel uneasy, your priority is getting out of there, not having sex. In that situation, feeling under pressure to perform is psychologically stressful and this has physical implications.

Anxiety causes peripheral blood vessels to constrict, which decreases blood flow to the penis making an erection impossible. You are also anxious about the fact that your girlfriend has had shower sex with previous boyfriends. That is a bit pointless, though. You have both had previous partners and if you let the fact that you are not the first guy she has been in a shower with concern you, you should, by extension, be bothered by every intimate act you engage in with her, because she did all that with her previous partners too.

The obvious way to get out of having sex in the shower is to tell her that you really don't like it. It is a strong argument. When it comes to shower sex, the optics may be great, but the reality sucks. The concept of shower sex is all hot and steamy, but in reality, unless you have one of those giant rainwater showerheads, there is never enough water to cover two people at once, so it can be a cold and rather miserable experience. In a cramped, wet, 1m glass and tile cubicle, changing positions is less about increasing sexual pleasure and more about avoiding hypothermia. Shower sex is also notoriously dangerous.

"Shower sex is also notoriously dangerous. When foaming shower gel pools on a slippery shower-tray floor, you are more likely to break your hip than have an orgasm

The bathroom is unquestionably a hazardous room. According to a 2011 report from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2008 approximately 21.8m people in the US aged 15 or over sustained a nonfatal unintentional injury in the bathroom. Getting out of the bath or shower when floors and fixtures are slippery was identified as one of the most hazardous activities.

On the plus side, a lot of women find running a jet of water over themselves erotic, so much so that they have one of those shower heads with various massage and pulse settings. If your girlfriend is a fan of this kind of stimulation it would certainly explain why she is so keen to get you — like her previous boyfriends — into the bathroom. The only way to find out is to discuss it with her and ask her straight out if that is why she is so keen on having sex there. If she says yes, you are off the hook. Explain that you can't stand it, but that you are happy to pleasure her.

When it comes to any kind of sexual difficulty, being honest and talking openly is the best way forward. You may even find that having a shower where your focus is entirely on pleasuring your girlfriend inadvertently takes the pressure off, and suddenly the impossible becomes possible. Be warned though: having sex in a confined space will still be awkward as hell. Note also that water washes away natural lubricants, so getting it on in the shower requires liberal applications of oil or silicone-based lubricant, so you will still both need a shower afterwards.