Sex File: I just want to have normal sex again

Mon, 31 Aug, 2020 - 06:00

Suzi Godson

Q. While we were stuck at home my wife and I started being more experimental. We even tried role playing to entertain ourselves. It's been fun, but it's intense and can leave me exhausted. Now I just want to have nice, regular, mainly missionary sex again, but I'm worried my partner will find that dull.

A. I feel you. Swinging from the chandeliers dressed as a fireman is all very well, but reaching across the bed and not even bothering to take your T-shirt off is also nice, and it's a lot less energy intensive. Domestic sex isn't meant to be emotionally exhausting. Mostly, it is a thin slice of erotic intensity sandwiched between large slabs of daily tedium, and for most of us that is enough.

It was different in early lockdown, though. Eliminating the daily commute meant that most people had extra hours to fill. Despite all the panic about health, longer lie-ins made life less stressful to a degree. They also rendered all the usual excuses about not having time for sex redundant. Even now that we are free to move around again, many of us continue to work from home and may still have more time on our hands than usual.

In March the prospect of couples being cooped up together for months led to a rash of headlines predicting a baby boom by Christmas. By May no one was knitting booties. The first evidence that people were having less sex during lockdown came from China, where a study carried out in mid-March by Li Weiran and colleagues at Anhui Medical University found that sexual frequency among young adults had declined by 37% during the Covid-19 crisis. A later British study by the GMI Partnership found that 39% of people were having no sex at all and, more shockingly, only 19% of cohabiting partners were getting it on. In the US research by the Kinsey Institute found that 43.5% of people had experienced a decline in the quality of their sex life during lockdown, but interestingly, like you, 20% of those surveyed had experimented and extended their repertoire. The researchers had been trying to confirm a reported rise in the use of sex tech and porn, and although there was an increase in sexting and the use of sex toys for single people, among couples the most common sexual diversifications were trying new sexual positions and sharing and acting out sexual fantasies.

If one in five people used lockdown as an opportunity to pursue alternative sexual interests, there is, as you say, a strong possibility that some, if not all, will not be keen to put their new toys back in the box once normal service resumes. It is also possible that your wife's interest in role play is not a recent fascination. It may transpire that she has harboured a secret interest in this kind of thing for years. Whether that matters is something only you can decide, but there is a fine line between experimentation and kink and the former is almost always a gateway to the latter.

Being excited by role play does not preclude your wife from having good old-fashioned face-to-face sex with you, but if she begins edging you towards more serious BDSM or fetish, you may want to push back, or you may be happy to accommodate it within certain parameters. However you choose to proceed, role play and experimental sex should never feel emotionally exhausting. Sex is meant to be pleasurable and there are no Oscars for playing sexy doctors and nurses here. I suspect that as life speeds up again, your wife will revert to simpler, more time-efficient sexual incarnations. This will make them more appealing. Anticipation increases erotic potential and occasionality preserves the sense that they are a special event.

Ultimately, the main difference between sex in reverse cowgirl wearing chaps and a stetson, and sex in your birthday suit, is about half an hour, so the best option may be to enjoy this time while it lasts.