Ask Audrey: 'We haven’t had sex since he started cycling'

I'M so woke, I wear two masks when I go out. They’re €40 a pop, because I’m from Ballintemple: Bear in mind, that’s the same as €2 a pop for someone like you. Yesterday, I was on my way into town on my electric scooter, when I spotted this hot chick from my Tantric sourdough baking class. (It takes  three days to bake a loaf; everyone looks posher than Sting.) This chick said, 'Totes deva to see you in a face mask, dude. Covid-19 is a plot by globalists to force you to take a vaccine'. I said, 'Amazing, where do you get your information'? She said, 'Mainly the drummer from The Corrs'. I said, 'Amazing, let’s hook up'. She said, 'Meet me tomorrow and we’ll go shopping without a mask'. Do you think I should do it? Ed, Ballintemple 

My nephew in Kerry is big into alien conspiracy theories. We call him Yerra-Ya 51. I said, 'Are you wearing a mask in shops'? He said, 'I am and I amn’t'. #NoStraightAnswersInKerry 

It’s getting vicious on our WhatsApp group, Stunning Douglas Road Moms Who Judge Kids Based on Their Parents’ Income. Laura_HipsDontLie said she got a note from the pre-school, saying they are putting kids into bubbles of six when they go back, and she wants a meeting with the owner to make sure her Hugo is in with the right crowd. Cliona_TheCommunist said, 'How do you define the right crowd, Laura'? and the reply was, 'Probably a bubble or two up from your little Isaac, Cliona, given that your husband’s brother signed on for the pandemic payment'. (#News2Us.) Sorry, but I’d cry actual tears at the thought of my Cecile sharing her life with a child who has never tried an oyster. So, Audrey, do you have any pull to get her into the best bubble? Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang my friend Ethel, there. She’s so posh she makes my Posh Cousin sound like someone from Glasheen. I said, 'Do you choose your children's peers'? She said, 'Totally, they’re only allowed to go to the pier in Crookhaven'. (Schull is gone very Turner's Cross, apparently.) 

C’mere, what’s the story with posh knobs drinking cheap plonk from when they think no one is watching? Myself and Budgie were down in Schull there last weekend.  It’s true what they say about posh people being very self-assured, because you’d want a lot of confidence to charge those prices for a burger and chips. Anyway, we hired a pair of kayaks and went out in the harbour and these posh eejits on a yacht started shouting, 'Norries ahoy' at us, so we said, 'Any chance we could join yeer party'? and the main one, Reggie he said his name was, shouted, 'Come on board, old stock, we could do with a laugh'. I says, 'Budgie, this is going to be Bollinger all the way now', but it was €7 rosé from Lidl, which did the job, in fairness, but I’d have expected more. So, like, are posh people fierce tight now, these days? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, 'Is it true that Posh Cork has started shopping in Lidl all of a sudden'? She said, 'Absolutely'. I said, 'Why'? She said, 'Mandatory face masks'. I said, 'So they won’t get recognised'? She said, 'No, there’s 73% less chance they’ll catch the Norry Flu'. #Dreaded 

Hi, I think I might be the laughing stock of Bishopstown. My husband, Kieran, joined a cycling group there a few months back.  They insist on a bike that costs  three  grand, minimum. It’s a super repellent against Wilton wannabes. Anyway, I was over in Curragheen playground with some of the moms this morning, chatting about how awful it must be to only afford a place in Ballincollig, when this one, Elaine (lot of work done), said most men’s cycling groups are just a cover for orgies in West Cork. I’d be devastated to hear that my Kieran was doing it up against a tree with some wan from Drimoleague. Can you ask around and see if he’s doing the dirt? Deirdre, Bishopstown

The lawyers won’t allow me to make a joke about him spending a lot of time in the saddle. My Conor goes cycling every weekend, I said,  'Do you go to orgies in West Cork'? He said, 'No'. I said, 'Ah, I’m glad to hear that, my Conor'. He said, 'You mean, you care'? I said, 'Ah, no, I’d be morto if I bumped into you'.

Now, listen up, Paddy. I have to fly over to Éire this weekend to judge some awful sausage-eating contest in my massive estate in north Cork. Bunty Horse-Face Whittington (our codename for Boris) says that you filthy spud-munchers will put me in quarantine for two weeks if I try it, to which I replied, 'Don’t be a bloody fool, man, there is no way the Micks will stay sober enough to organise something like that'. Am I right? Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London and too much of Mallow

Boris is actually right. (Imagine.) The latest advice is that people from the UK have to stay in the one place and restrict their movements for two weeks. My advice is to do this in Waterford.  At least you won’t feel like you’re missing out on much by isolating yourself from the locals.