Ask Audrey: Is it still wild camping if we bring the Nespresso machine?

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

We’re having a nightmare of a summer, here in Kinsale. Normally,  the streets would be full of cultured foreigners, with their lovely,  olive skin, supporting our local economy by spending a fortune on over-priced sweaters. (We’re so used to high-net-worth individuals that our shops have one-for-the-price-of-two offers, where you pay twice the sticker price  just because you can.) 

Anyway, this year w e’re infested with pasty people from Dublin in football jerseys and white socks, and that’s just the women. (All their little boys are called Nathan. WTF? ) Our beautiful beaches — the Dock, Garretstown, and Gar r ylucas — sound like a casting call for Fair City. Do you know how we might keep Dublin people away (i ncluding the posh ones: That accent of theirs would wreck your head)? Fionnuala, Kinsale.

M y friend moved to Clonakilty after losing a bet. I said, 'Are ye experiencing any problems with crowds down from Dublin'? She said, 'No t much , we just put a ban on people wearing blue jers eys' . I said, 'To keep out the Dubs'? She said, 'No, people from Togher who support the 'Barr's, but it works on Dub lin and Leinster fans as well! #Result.

Hi girl, I have this hippy cousin, who landed herself a seaside cottage in Crookhaven, as part of a divorce settlement with a Yank. Score! Anyway, she’ s moving to Cork for a month to set up a shop selling incense and crystals to people with an IQ under 80 and didn’t she suggest a house-swap with my place in Bishopstown. Score two! 

Except, when I got there this morning, it turns out the place is actually a semi-d in Goleen!! My neighbour here is a plumber from Ovens — if word of that gets out, my photo will be taken off the wall of 'c lassy hot moms' in Bishopstown GAA. Long story short — we’ve decided to up sticks and go wild camping in the dunes in Barleycove. I just need to know: Is it still wild camping if we bring the Nespresso machine? Deirdre, Bishopstown and not Goleen.

I rang the posh cousin about this. She said that there is nothing classy about messing around in a tent. I said, 'Unless it’s with a 6ft 2 bicycle courier from Naples'? She said, 'You’d miss Electric Picnic all the same , wouldn’t you'?

Hello, old stock. Things aren’t great in the bedroom department with my wife, Marjorie. I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say I’ve gone a bit bungalow on the erection front, compared to the Elysian Tower that I was bringing to the table a few months ago. (We like to do it on the table.) 

Marjorie said it’s probably pandemic anxiety, don’t worry about it, but I’m fairly sure it’s because she hasn’t had her hair done in six months and is starting to look like a badger. Anyway, she was looking back over your old columns there, about some bogman called Dan Paddy Andy who had a bit of bangy with his missus in Inchydoney. So now, Marjorie wants us to do the same; spice things up,  like . My question is:  Where is the poshest beach in Cork for a spot of shagging with the wife ? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

Y ou’d be surprised by the number of times I get asked this exact question: Never.  You’re the first one,  Reggie , you snobby pervert. (No offence.)

Hey, it’s MaryLou from Dallas, here again. What’s up? Myself and my husband are continuing our honeymoon on the Wild Atlantic Way. We’re spending eight hours a day in bed, because we both took a virginity pledge before marriage, so it’s taking us time to figure out how we’re going to make babies for Jesus. 

It’s not as much fun as it sounds, let me tell ya. We are pretending to be Italian tourists without English, after a woman in a shop in Killarney heard us talking and screamed, ‘Up with the face masks lads:  They’re Yanks’. The problem is with your beaches — y’all got cold water, so I can’t help screaming, ‘It’s freaking freezing Jerry-Bob’ and the locals take their freckly kids out of the water like it’s Jaws 5: This Time They’re Americans. So, is it a good idea to wear a wetsuit when y’all go in the sea? MaryLou, Dallas and Derrynane.

I definitely think you should hire them. Keep pretending ye’re Italians, though — the reason Kerry people call ye Yanks is when they hear the accent, they yank up their prices.

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road SuperMoms Whose Sons Aren’t Going Back to School, They’re Going Back to Pres . Ava_ WhiteRangeRover said she has no idea what to talk about at the school gate, if we can’t mention the cost of our villa in Ibiza for a fortnight. (We’ve all been; greenlist s ch meenlist.) 

So they asked me to ask you: Is it more embarrassing to say you went to Ibiza against government advice or to pretend you went to West Cork, along with loads of Norries ? Jenni, Douglas Road .

I rang my aunt in Sunday’s Well and said, 'W at would you say to someone who boasted they were in Ibiza this summer'? She said, 'I’m sorry to hear you couldn’t afford Martinique.' # ThePoverty