Esther McCarthy: Avoiding a sex assault — a guide for men

I’ve seen lots of brilliant stuff on social media on how to avoid sexual assault, Maybe we should have a set of rules for the lads.

35% of women in Ireland have experienced psychological, physical, and/or sexual abuse from an intimate partner. Picture: iStock

The Cornell 7 case has led the five of us in the family to have chats.

Considering the different ages of our sons, my husband and I framed it as if you are in a group in real life or online and someone starts saying/doing something cruel, how would you act? How do you call it out, and how just doing nothing isn’t good enough.

It got me thinking. We drum rules into girls and women their whole lives; everyone reading this, I bet you know the rules. Things like, don’t walk alone at night. Car keys between your fingers. Don’t wear certain clothes. Don’t lead a guy on — but don’t antagonise them either. Don’t ever let a drink out of your sight. Be vigilant all the time. And on and on it goes.

Imagine if we were saying all this to boys. Imagine if I had to say this to my sons before they went out. Imagine if I had to check if their outfits might be dangerous for them.

But you know, fair is fair. Maybe we should have a set of rules for the lads. I’ve seen lots of brilliant stuff on social media on how to avoid sexual assault, so here’s a compilation, a handy list to help reduce those horrific statistics that I’ve been reading.

According to Women’s Aid and the European Institute for Gender Equality, 35% of women in Ireland have experienced psychological, physical, and/or sexual abuse from an intimate partner. Some 25% of women in Ireland experienced sexual violence as an adult with a partner. UN Women shared the jaw-dropping statistic that every 10 minutes, somewhere in the world, a woman or girl is killed by a partner or family member. And this is from the men women know, who they are supposed to be able to trust. Imagine what a stranger might do.

So here we go! How to avoid sexual assault if you’re a male.

1. Be aware of clothing

If a female catches your eye and you think, “Ooooh, her skirt is short, and her heels are high; this tells me a lot about her character”, then allow me to suggest you invest in a blindfold. You could get a custom-made one to match your own going-out attire. Yes, you may bump your shins a bit, but on the plus side, you won’t assault anyone, hurrah! (Also, you try wearing tight clothes and heels. Some of the outfits women pull off require feats of athleticism and stamina that most men cannot fathom. Shackleton is only trotting after the steel and determination of a woman in a spike heel and wiggle dress

2. Speaking of spikes, don’t add anything to a woman’s drink

Acccording to the Sexual Violence Centre in Cork, a report in August showed an alleged spiking incident being reported to gardaí on average once every six days.

So instead of warning girls not to let their drinks out of their sight, and don’t let your flesh be pricked by a needle, how about you just, you know, don’t put drugs into people’s drinks?

3. Stick with friends

If on a night out you’re feeling the urge to assault someone, why not use the buddy system and have a trusted friend accompany you. They can check in on you throughout the night and have a special safe word if you’re feeling overwhelmed by violent urges. They can remind you throughout the night: No assaulting. You can return the favour for them on another night. Team work makes the dream work.

4. Consent to consent

Maybe you could write it out for yourself or put it in your phone reminders. If someone is drunk, asleep or in any way incapacitated, guess what? Do not have sex with them. Hmm, you might say, but I’m pretty sure they want to... Say it with me; No sex without consent.

5. Have tools at hand to help protect you

Why not carry a siren? If you feel like you might assault someone, press that sucker as hard as you can until someone comes to your aid. “Help! Help!” you will say. “I feel like doing irreversible harm to that girl over there!” Hopefully they will come and save you.

6. Be aware of your surroundings

You observe someone walking alone. Do not follow at a creepy distance. Do not try to engage them in witty conversation. Do not whistle or give them your opinion on how they look, what they are wearing, or the value of smiling more. Leave them, as they obviously wish to be, alone.

7. Know your rights

This one is important, men! You have rights too. You have the right to not feel entitled to a woman’s time, attention, or body. You have the right to understand you are not owed sex. You have the right to be a decent person at all times, you don’t even have to imagine they are your sister or daughter or aunt. You don’t have to humanise a woman to not do harm to her. You have the right to know that the only person responsible for assault is — are you ready? — the person who does the assault.