"The medium told me I'd have daughters with the confidence of someone who didn't think the rube across from her would take meticulous notes and use them 15 years later in a revenge column. AHA! ALL WRONG. Got you, Melinda, you fraud!"

It’s a chance to hit the reset button before the festive season kicks in. (Why is it earlier and earlier every year, for the love of GOD, give us Halloween before we’re hit with Elves on the Shelves, please?)

"The scary things that sideswipe you when you least expect it: The calls with the worst news in the middle of the night; the devastating diagnoses; and all the major and minor disasters that are simply the cost of living."

"It reached peak nostalgia nuttiness for me when I saw the Oasis boyos selling out concerts for ten billionty euro a ticket just so Jason from Mayo can don his bucket hat with a side of swagger and pretend he’s 18 again."

"And here was I, delighted that my son is getting into the game, oh, but then along here come the Americans to show us they can de-class even the most demure of sports. The absolute fecking CHEEK of them."

"...quite a few of you have let me know you were a bit miffed not to have made the cut, and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out. Here we go!"

Next time you’re on the sidelines, you might just recognise one of these creatures in the wild

"Everywhere I look, there’s another pre-menopausal woman frantically uploading last year’s 4th Arc fleeces and Adidas Sambas, shoving the kids off the family laptop to print postage labels."

“You know, a wise woman once said, the eyes are the nipples of the face,” I say. We both look surprised. I don’t know where that came from.

The only thing I’ve ever risked to be thin is a third helping of sticky toffee pudding