Colm O'Regan: I have the TV pitch that will trump Love Island
would be a safe haven for the socially awkward, with furtive social events and lots of people leaning against walls for no apparent reason.Â
I canât. I just canât. Nope. 10 minutes in and I still canât. As the old people used to say back in 2015, âI canât even.â . I tried to watch it. in good faith. But no.
Not because itâs shite. Shite is so subjective. I mean it is shite. But people I like like it. People enjoy it, so what harm? Iâm not throwing any shade at the Island.Â
I make no judgement of the people on it because of what they look like or say, or how they are edited. I donât discriminate against them just because no-one seems to have any back-hair or moles. They are fine people. Doing a job. Pursuing a dream. I donât care if their father is Ronan Keating or former Minister of State at the Department of Education under Garret Fitzgerald, Michael Keating. Itâs not their quality. Itâs their quantity. As an introvert, I cannot watch a show where people are forced to spend time together all day for days on end. It feels like torture.

I get claustrophobic by Saturday lunchtime on a stag weekend. At Electric Picnic, I look for the woods to hide. BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WOODS TOO. âGiving it socksâ, the tools.
I canât watch my worst nightmare. Stuck on an island and forced to talk to people. I do like talking to people. but I also like saying âIâm just going to go over here now for a while.â I prefer TV where itâs just people working and saying nothing. Thatâs why youâll find me watching 2 hours and 40 minutes of all the episodes of the late 70s craft show on YouTube where people are just making baskets and butter, and no one is talking unless absolutely necessary.
This might be a hard sell to TV commissioners. , and the like seem very island-focused. Maybe it speaks to a need in all of us to see others deported. So be it. Letâs have . Ten people who like their own company are sent away to largely ignore each other but sometimes say hello. If there isnât room in the prime time channels they could put it up on the Saorview next to the rosary channel you sometimes find up near the radio stations when the Oireachtas is on holiday.
Depending on the luxury, it could be on Garnish, Cape Clear, or Fota. I donât mind as long as I have my own room, actually â make that a house.
TV is a cruel mistress so I know I would have to make compromises. would need sort of social occasions but you wouldnât have to fumble with someoneâs bits on an infra-red camera underneath a blanket. It would be more like the in-between bit of a wedding: prosecco and biscuits, and you can lean against the wall and say nothing if you want. But after two glasses of fizzy wine, youâll talk to anyone.

For fans, Iâll relent and do some challenges. But they would be practical ones. Making the childrenâs lunches without burning their breakfast? Or pairing socks?
And obviously no affairs. I mean seriously who has the time for that drama? If Iâm getting to go to an island away from everything I am not wasting that time on romance. I might finally get the VAT done on time.
Whoâs going to sponsor it? Libraries, tool companies, Panacur SC, those Marshall Cavendish collectable magazines. Basically, any product that appeals to people sitting around not talking shite.
So commissioners put your money where my mouth⊠er...isnât. . Letâs make it happen. You love to see it.


