Colm O'Regan: I have the TV pitch that will trump Love Island

It's like Love Island but on Cape Clear with no social niceties or 'doing bits'

Introverts Island would be a safe haven for the socially awkward, with furtive social events and lots of people leaning against walls for no apparent reason. 

I can’t. I just can’t. Nope. 10 minutes in and I still can’t. As the old people used to say back in 2015, “I can’t even.” Love Island. I tried to watch it. in good faith. But no.

Not because it’s shite. Shite is so subjective. I mean it is shite. But people I like like it. People enjoy it, so what harm? I’m not throwing any shade at the Island. 

I make no judgement of the people on it because of what they look like or say, or how they are edited. I don’t discriminate against them just because no-one seems to have any back-hair or moles. They are fine people. Doing a job. Pursuing a dream. I don’t care if their father is Ronan Keating or former Minister of State at the Department of Education under Garret Fitzgerald, Michael Keating. It’s not their quality. It’s their quantity. As an introvert, I cannot watch a show where people are forced to spend time together all day for days on end. It feels like torture.

Love Island's very own Keating, Jack was introduced to the show as one of the Casa Amor crew.

I get claustrophobic by Saturday lunchtime on a stag weekend. At Electric Picnic, I look for the woods to hide. BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WOODS TOO. ‘Giving it socks’, the tools.

I can’t watch my worst nightmare. Stuck on an island and forced to talk to people. I do like talking to people. but I also like saying “I’m just going to go over here now for a while.” I prefer TV where it’s just people working and saying nothing. That’s why you’ll find me watching 2 hours and 40 minutes of all the episodes of the late 70s craft show Hands on YouTube where people are just making baskets and butter, and no one is talking unless absolutely necessary.

This might be a hard sell to TV commissioners. Love Island, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and the like seem very island-focused. Maybe it speaks to a need in all of us to see others deported. So be it. Let’s have Introverts Island. Ten people who like their own company are sent away to largely ignore each other but sometimes say hello. If there isn’t room in the prime time channels they could put it up on the Saorview next to the rosary channel you sometimes find up near the radio stations when the Oireachtas is on holiday.

Depending on the luxury, it could be on Garnish, Cape Clear, or Fota. I don’t mind as long as I have my own room, actually — make that a house.

TV is a cruel mistress so I know I would have to make compromises. Introverts Island would need sort of social occasions but you wouldn’t have to fumble with someone’s bits on an infra-red camera underneath a blanket. It would be more like the in-between bit of a wedding: prosecco and biscuits, and you can lean against the wall and say nothing if you want. But after two glasses of fizzy wine, you’ll talk to anyone.

Who wouldn't enjoy a little sit on Introverts Island? Maybe a paper cup of fizzy wine would go down a treat.

For I’m a Celebrityfans, I’ll relent and do some challenges. But they would be practical ones. Making the children’s lunches without burning their breakfast? Or pairing socks?

And obviously no affairs. I mean seriously who has the time for that drama? If I’m getting to go to an island away from everything I am not wasting that time on romance. I might finally get the VAT done on time.

Who’s going to sponsor it? Libraries, tool companies, Panacur SC, those Marshall Cavendish collectable magazines. Basically, any product that appeals to people sitting around not talking shite.

So commissioners put your money where my mouth… er...isn’t. Introverts Island. Let’s make it happen. You love to see it.