Ask Audrey: I’d be devastated at the thought of him slipping off his €150 jocks in a Travelodge

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen, here in Ballydesmond. I don’t want to seem defeatist or anything, but is there any chance that Cork could stop playing senior men’s football for a couple of years? It’s grand for ye, up in the city, with a good 40-mile buffer between ye and the savages on the Kerry side of the border, but we can nearly smell the smugness off them all week, after that hammering below in Killarney. 

I said to Berna, I said, ‘The city crowd has no concept of what it’s like to live close to the fecking Kingdom, because any Kerry person living above in Cork has been partially civilised by access to cutlery and the concept of spare underwear. But, Berna, down here, we have to put up with the Scartaglin crowd beeping their horns in downtown Ballydesmond and roaring, “Ye’re cat at football”, which shows a fairly limited vocabulary on their part, but, then, what more would you expect?’ 

Anyway, as Berna correctly observed, this has lowered our stock in the dating game around the north Cork-Kerry border, which is unwelcome, because, say what you will about Kerry men, but they’re class in the sack. So can you have a word there and put a stop to the football?

Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang Cork GAA there and said, ‘Are there any plans to avoid a hammering by Kerry every other year?’ Your one said, ‘Oh, yeah, we have it all under control’. I said, ‘So what’s the big idea?’ She said, ‘We’re moving to Connaught’.

Hello, old stock. The digital vaccine-cert thingy is creating plenty of waves on the Blackrock Road. I know some do-gooders are up in arms about discriminating against people who aren’t vaccinated, and that’s fine, as long as it distracts them from roaring their dread-locked heads off about rich people ripping off the poor. 

But from where I’m standing, onboard a huge yacht, it offers a tantalising view of pubs and restaurants in the future, where you are allowed in based on your position in Cork society. You see, sometimes I go out for a meal with my wife, or some other guy’s wife, and we could be sitting in one the most expensive restaurants in Cork and there is still some lotto-winner from Mallow at the next table, trying to eat cheese with a spoon. 

Imagine if you had to show a pass to get into these restaurants, confirming that you paid €4 tax on earnings of €4.7m per annum. That would truly create a top table for Cork society and let us enjoy our meal in peace. Do you know if this certificate — The Class Pass — would be legal?

Reggie, Blackrock Road

My cousin is a solicitor: She has a gag reflex if she tries to tell the truth. I said, ‘How would the Supreme Court judges react to a pass that would allow rich people access to the best restaurants?’ She said, ‘They’d all apply for one’.

It’s getting judgemental on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Feel Sorry for Coleen Rooney. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said it must have been awful for Coleen when those photos of Wayne emerged during the week. Laura_2Good4U said, ‘Because he was in a hotel room with girls half his age?’ Fifi said, ‘No, because he was in a £60-a-night hotel room with girls half his age’. 

I don’t mind what my Ken does in his spare time - I’m very open-minded: My parents are from Kinsale - but I DO MIND if he disgraces me up and down the Douglas Road by appearing in a budget hotel room. Sorry now, like, but 60 quid is cheap, even for a dump like Manchester. Emer Cronin-Buckley told me that my Ken was cheating on me with an influencer, but when I heard that it was in Hayfield Manor, I was kind of impressed. 

I’d be devastated at the thought of him slipping off his €150 jocks in a Travelodge. Anyway, Audrey, I want to tell my Ken that it’s OK to cheat on me as long as the room is more than €300 a night. Is that enough or should I nudge it up to €400, to be on the safe side?

Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, ‘What does spending €300 a night on a hotel say about you? She said, ‘That you live in Ballinlough and haven’t enough money for a Range Rover’. #Accurate

Guten Tag. What is the story with ‘I’ll let you go?’ I have been living in Cork now for two years and understand all your linguistic eccentricities. That is, except for when I am enjoying a chat with a northsider and they suddenly say, ‘Listen, Jurgen, I’ll let you go boy’ as if they are doing me a favour, when, in fact, I would like to continue our fascinating chat about the majorettes. Are they just telling me to shag off?

Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

My friend is a Norrie, even though she can’t accept it. I said, ‘Why do northsiders say, “I’ll let you go?” She said, ‘I can’t believe you’re asking me that question, I’m from St Lukes’. I said, ‘So what? That still makes you a northsider’. She said, ‘Listen Audrey, I’ll let you go’. #PureNorthside