Ask Audrey: What’s the story with posh blondie Douglas wans giving me the stink eye?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, old stock. We’re very excited here on the Blackrock Road after hearing about the new exclusive toilets up in Clifden. Confused as well really, because I can’t see the point in putting something aimed at an elite class in a place like Clifden . (Sorry now, but the definition of a respectable person in Galway is someone who washes their hair even when they’re not going on a date.) 

That said, the idea of an expensive jacks is a right Corker, because no one wants to be doing their business next to some mediocrity who thinks he’s it, because he went to Christians . The main problem I can see with the jacks in Clifden is the price they are charging to use it. 

I mean € 3.50 isn’t enough to discourage a Norry, let alone some wannabe from Glanmire. Anyway myself and the other Blackrock Road millionaires are planning to build a series of swanky jacks around Cork – what do you think would be a suitable price point to discourage non-entities? 

Reggie, Blackrock Road

I was thinking there I don’t know any non-entities and then I remembered I have a cousin in Bishopstown. I rang her and said, what’s the most you would pay for the loo ? She said, 45 euro. I said, you’d pay that to use the toilet?!! She said, I thought you meant buy a toilet. #Cheap ToiletsInBtown

C’mere, what’s the story with posh blondie Douglas wans giving me the stink eye below in Derrynane?  Myself and the old doll got a loan off of Budgie’s camper-van there and headed down to Kerry for the week. 

It do be so hot in the back of the thing in this weather that I’m not able on the sex front, the old doll thinks I must be having an affair, and I kind of wish I was now because I’m getting blamed for it anyway. 

So we’re down in Derrynane o n Tuesday on the beach like and I felt a bit threatened with all the local gomies in their Kerry jerseys, striding around like they own the place. 

So then I sees these three blondie ones walking past me in expensive sunglasses and I shout “nice accent love, good to see one of our own” and she looked at me like I was from Clonmel and said “I’ve nothing in common with you” out her nose, like they do be doing in Douglas. 

Sorry now, but denying you’re from Cork is like the worst thing you could do, particularly in Munster Final week. Do you think I should report her? 

Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

There is actually a hotline for reporting treachery against Cork, it’s called 1-800-Langball. I rang it there and said a Douglas one refused to talk to a guy from Blackpool on the beach in Derrynane. The hotline woman said, which one of them are you reporting for treachery against Cork. I said, the guy from Blackpool didn’t do anything wrong. She said, except for going on holidays in Kerry. #TheSnake

It’s getting furtive on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Refuse to Make Eye Contact with Norries on Holidays in Derrynane. 

Myself, Fifi_2WhiteRangeRovers and Lorna_67GrandKitchen made a real entrance on the beach there yesterday, almost in slow-mo so the local Kerry bee-atches could see that we were wearing 20 grand worth of designer gear between us. (Not a label in sight mind you, it’s not like we’re from Glanmire, but there was no mistaking our net worth.) 

Anyway, the whole thing was ruined when this nobody with a northside accent tried to talk to us, and then his girlfriend who looked like a walking tattoo started shouting “is that the slag you’re seeing behind my back, Donie?”. As if, like!! I could see all the posh Killarney ones in last year’s jumpsuits and sunbed tan s sniggering at us, as if they’ve never been mortified by some hairy-nosed Kerry farmer who came down the mountain to have a wash. 

One of the Killarney bee-atches shouted “good luck in the match on Sunday, girls” which obviously passes for humour in the Kingdom because her two friends nearly peed in their pack-of-three knickers. Anyway, what did they mean by good luck on Sunday?

Jenni, Douglas Road

I think there might be a match, Jenni, the bogball. I called my GAA-mad ex in Tralee and said, are ye confident for Sunday? He said no, you can’t rely on Kerry lads to rise to the occasion. I said, why do you think I broke it off with you? #Smutty

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Isn’t it the way I saw a photograph on Facebook of Roy Keane and him below in Youghal during the week, with the grand pair of legs up on him. 

I said to Berna, what are we doing up here dating pondlife from Scartaglin when we could be making eyes at Roy on the beach and him a millionaire. 

Our only worry is that we’ve never been to east Cork before, because it’s too close to Waterford, and that shower would make Kerry lads look like the master-race. So, are there any precautions we should take, tell me? 

Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I rang my friend in Ballycotton there and said, do you think people from north Cork should take precautions. She said absolutely – the less children they have, the better.