Esther McCarthy: Step aside Tom Holland — Spider-Mammy has something to say

With great power comes great obligation says Esther McCarthy

A scene from Spider-Man: Brand New Day being filmed on Hutcheson Street in Glasgow.

With great power comes great responsibility. This is true of victims of rogue radioactive arachnoids and mothers alike.

As the mammy of three boys, I have always felt accountable to help them understand that they navigate a world that has been crafted through a 2,500-year process entrenching a patriarchal ideology where men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women.

“The social system we exist in allows humans with penises to hold primary power and predominate in roles of political authority, yes it does, you little cutie pie,” I’d tell them in a sing-songy voice, from as soon as their eyes could focus.

This seemed difficult for them to grasp as young poppets, as I held complete power over how many biscuits they were allowed to have, what time they went to bed, and what cartoons they were allowed to watch.

This bossy female pontificating about how their gender had too much control was an abstract idea hard to get their little heads around.

So I would try other, more gentle (sneaky) ways to illustrate the point.

One thing we’ve always done is, before a movie, get them to watch out for whether it passes the Bechdel test. If you have smallies — boys or girls — it’s never too early to start. Tell them it’s a game and the little suckers will lap it up.

What is the Bechdel Test?

The rules are simple: Are there at least two women in the film with actual names (not just “the mammy” or “that lady”)?

Do they ever talk to each other? And if they do, is it about something other than a man? Three yeses, it passes.

A lady named Alison Bechdel came up with this game back in 1985, in a comic strip, and it’s since become a fun way of noticing whether women get their own interesting things going on, or whether they’re just standing around waiting for the boys to do stuff. You’ll be horrified — and fascinated — by how many of your favourite films don’t pass.

Which brings us to Spider-Man.

We went to see the latest instalment, Brand New Day, this week, and it was highly enjoyable. All three boys have been besotted by Spidey at various stages — one wore nothing but the costume for over a year. Every scrap of merchandise you can imagine has passed through this house. I think I might be credited on the production budget actually.

So maybe it was loyalty that drew the exasperated outburst when I casually mentioned the next day that it just about passed the Bechdel test.

Here I was, thinking I was giving them a lens to see the entertainment world through. What a great mam, right?! A fun, feminist way of clocking the business of show. Turns out I was just pissing them off. Add it to the list, I suppose.

One of the teenagers got very odd and accused me of just looking for things to be annoyed about. “As if I need to look very hard!” I want to shout. “There are annoyances EVERYWHERE you little bas... “

But no. I must stay calm, I must model regulation. So I take a deep breath, have a little think, and decide to outline everything that bugged me about the movie. There’s no rule that says you can’t be a feminist AND petty, ok?

There’s an extremely brief conversation between Jean Grey and her sister, who is named three-quarters of the way through the movie as Sara. It feels shoehorned in, if you ask me. (No one is asking me.) There’s another quick scene where the ghost of Aunty May gives Jean advice, but it happens inside Peter’s head, so it barely counts.

The supporting female cast gets little to work with. The police chief spends most of her screen time hanging around the subway with her kids, mostly acting like a mammy to Spider-Man, asking about his health and nagging him to get his headaches checked.

MJ doesn’t feature enough, Frank Castle horning in on a lot of her screen time, and MJ mostly just reacts to Peter’s choices — though there is one clever point made about consent.

And URRGGGH, that blasted trope of EV, the disembodied AI female voice explaining everything to the audience. It’s a running pattern in the Marvel universe, remember Karen in Homecoming, and EDITH in Far From Home? All built to serve the male hero. So annoying.

Look, I didn’t set out to ruin my sons’ enjoyment of their childhood hero’s latest outing. Tom Holland’s Peter Parker is an excellent role model. The message of responsibility, and doing the right thing even when it’s hard, is one I heartily endorse. His emotional range is a joy in this movie. But if Aunty May taught Peter anything, it’s that the power you have — even just deciding between a medium or large popcorn — comes with an obligation to use it wisely.

Even, and especially, at the risk of being the Mam who ruined Spider-Man.