Lighten up: Ould Lehane has finally found his element in Positive Ageing Week
The Early Retirement Scheme was great stuff altogether back in the day when auld lads were truly auld fellows, writes Denis Lehane. Picture: Irish Examiner Archive
Being an auld fellow in the old days was a right disaster. They had none of the perks we have today. If you had cataracts, you went bind. If you had a bad hip, you were hobbled.
If you lost your libido — well, my dear man, you were on your own.
Such problems affected your ability to farm. They damn well affected your ability to do everything.
Days spent hobbling in the rain, nights spent toasting your damp old arse by the fire, ’twas no way to live.
Nowadays, Irish farming — and indeed, life itself, is in a far better position. Thanks to lasers, high-tech surgery, potions, creams, and ointments, there is a cure for almost every ailment.
The days of being old, crooked, wet, and cold are in the past. We now have heating in our homes, cabs on our tractors, and fire in our bellies... (at least until you swallow a Gaviscon). It’s fair to say that farming has never been brighter for auld lads.
But hold your horses: What do we hear now, only calls that we need to move aside!
Macra are telling us that we need robust succession planning, that young farmers are “an endangered species” and that they want to farm.
“Sure, go away and farm so,” you might cry.
Well, it’s not as simple as that.
You see, for the young lads to farm, the old lads need to move aside, because the young lads are too useless to make land themselves.
Calls are being made for the return of the Early Retirement Scheme in farming.
Similar to the scrappage scheme for cars, it took many old farmers off the land about 30 years ago.
The Early Retirement Scheme was great, back in the days when auld lads were truly auld fellows.
But today, us old lads are totally different.
I recently had my cataracts done, and sure, I’m like a teenager ever since.
I’m leaping around the place with great energy and vitality. My glasses are in the bin and I’m seeing calves, ditches, and fields like never before.
Yerra, I feel totally rejuvenated.
My hips will be next to go, and then my knees. I will probably go for the total body overhaul and will be like Steve Austin by the end of it with all the shiny new parts.
I’ll be like the Six Million Dollar Farmer, only without the money.
And, with replacement hips, reconditioned knees, and new eyeballs, the only slowing down I’ll want to do will be on the dancefloor.
Macra are coming at this thing from the wrong side entirely.
They don’t know what they are talking about.
Numbers are being bandied about, suggesting that 4.3% of farmers are under 35.
Sure isn’t that a great thing?
This means that a whopping 95% of farmers are auld fellows like you and me. Auld lads with time on their hands and youth on our side.
And, in a week when we celebrate age positivity, isn’t it great to see old farmers like you and me charged up, reconditioned, and simply rearing for the road?
