Denis Lehane: Santa Claus has received his Single Farm Payment
He was purchasing cows in Macroom Mart to keep the grass down in the Noth Pole.
I met Santa Claus at Macroom mart on Saturday.
He was buying dry cows to beat the band. He was paying a fortune for them.
"You won't make a bob out of expensive dry cows," I warned the big fellow, as I grabbed him by the shoulder in a friendly fashion.
"Well ho, ho, ho," says he by way of a greeting. The form was only mighty.
"Yerra I'm not bothered about paying over the odds Denny," says he, "for my pockets are full of Christmas cheer."
Old Santa, like most of us, had recently received his Single Farm Payment and was only itching to spend. And spend big too by the looks of it.
Dry cows were making savage money last Saturday. But Santa didn't give a damn.
I met him later in the day for a jar, after the dust had settled in the mart, and he told me he was only purchasing the cows in an effort to keep the grass down up there in the Noth Pole.
Thanks to global warming it's like the Golden Vale up there in Lapland or wherever it is that he hails from.
"Whoever is in charge of the environment, they are doing a mighty job," he said, speaking highly of those in charge.
"Tell me," says he, "do you know of anyone who was naughty this year?"
And I thought about it for a moment "Do you mean naughty as in good, or naughty as in bad?" I asked, for there can be a big difference between the two.
"Yerra, that's a good point," said old Saint Nick to himself. "I never thought about it in that way."
Anyhow on we went drinking and by the end of it all we were singing 'Fairytale of New York'.
Santa was standing on a table by this stage for he felt he sounded better up there.
With the day having turned to night and our quota full, Santa eventually climbed down from his perch and started heading for the door, but before he did, he wished one and all "A merry Christmas." Santa can be a right stickler for tradition.
"I better head home now," Santa says to me, "for I have a long road to travel."
He was hitching a ride on the truck that he had booked to take his cattle home.
Seemingly his lane isn't in the best of order and he would have to guide the truck driver on the best path to follow.
Anyhow Santa climbed aboard, and with steam coming out of the truck, they set sail to the furthestmost point on the map.
I waved them goodbye, and as Santa's cattle truck moved off, the last truck of the evening to leave the mart yard, snow began to fall.
It certainly was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, even at the cattle mart.
Happy Christmas everyone.
