Denis Lehane: No Country for old gardaí

Raising the recruitment age to 50 gives old guys like me the chance to be TJ Hooker before we die

I wouldn't have the energy for all that running and jumping around Templemore. File Picture: Dan Linehan

I'm thinking of joining the guards. At a tad over 50, I might just squeeze in.

Shoving the recruitment age up to 50 was a masterstroke, for it gives old guys like me the chance to be TJ Hooker before we die.

As a young man, I had no interest in becoming a guard. Life was much too much fun to tie myself down to such a somber career.

But now, as an old geezer, with my back broken from farming, and my pockets empty from the struggle, I have nothing to lose.

Indeed, a couple of years sweeping around in a squad car would suit me down to the ground.

I don't mind arresting people, so long as they don't put up a struggle. I have spent a lifetime dealing with cattle who lash out, the last thing I need are people who do the same.

Now first of all, before I commit to anything, I will have to lay down the law myself.

For starters, if I agree to become a guard, I would have no interest at all in patrolling the beat over the weekend.

I have been informed that the weekends can be dangerous and the last thing I need at this time of my life is trouble.

I will need a gun of course (just in case). And make sure it's a big one too.

I'll only become a guard if I can have a gun and my weekends to myself, otherwise we can call the whole thing off.

And all this business of training in Templemore, well you can forget about that too.

I wouldn't have the energy for all that running and jumping around.

That class of thing would be OK for a fellow in his twenties, but when you reach the 50 mark, the only preparing you should be doing is for the man upstairs.

Yerra my best years are behind me, and there's no point in denying it.

But if the Guards still want me, I will happily trot along.

Now with regard to my partner. I wouldn't mind at all if he was a fellow of my own age. A fellow from the country would be all the better.

I have discovered down through the years that when you are in the company of a fellow farmer you will never be stuck for conversation.

Between talking about the weather and cattle prices, the day will fly.

I hope my garda uniform will be made of comfortable fabric

I find the older I get, the more particular I become with regard to clothing.

I get cold far quicker and would be most appreciative if my pants came with an elasticated waist.

Of course, even as a guard, I would still like to call the shots at home, with regards to farming. And so long as I'm posted no further than five miles from Kilmichael, I should have no problem.

And finally, I promise to uphold the law myself. For l realise there would be no point in me becoming a guard if I continue as I am.

So, from this point on, a corner will be turned, or at the very least a strong effort will be made. And you can't ask for more than that.

I'm looking forward to my new career as an old guard and will of course keep you all posted should I be privy to any scandalous or indeed salacious stories.