Lighten Up: Alien life gets dose of reality on Irish farm
The discovery of Martian remains in Mexico didn't surprise me one bit. I cannot understand what all the fuss is about.
Sure, I met a whole legion of aliens up the field behind the yard last October, only I forgot to tell you about it.
I have been very busy since, you see, and farming always comes first.
Anyhow, I remember the morning in question very well. It was a murky, dirty one, which might explain why I didn't hear their craft landing.
Suffice to say, the cattle were a bit flighty as a result, so I decided to investigate further.
Well, low and behold, soon I was face to face with at least a dozen of these small alien-like creatures.
They were wearing covid masks, so 'twas hard to make them out entirely. My eyesight too isn't what it used to be. I probably need new glasses. But that's a story for another day. Anyhow, back to my close encounter...
"We are neither Leprechauns nor fairies," the leader of the pack said, "Only aliens from planet Pluto."
"Very good," says I, before telling them it was OK to remove the covid masks. "We're all friends now," I declared.
Anyhow, the leader of the alien force told me that they were on planet Earth to learn more about farming from Irish farmers. For back home, they were making an awful bags of everything.
I told him they had come to the right place.
Over the next few months, I showed them how to pike out dung, lift heavy rocks and drink porter as fast as you fill.
I showed them how to do the paperwork for the department, how to whitewash walls and give generously at mass on Sunday.
On days off, I showed them how to rest up on reeks of hay and how to toss off their boots outside the back door.
I showed them how to hide from cars and avoid answering the phone.
Naturally, and as you might expect, given the expert tutoring, they thanked me profusely for my guidance and said that if ever I went to Pluto, I would be welcomed in the airport like a foreign dignitary.
Flags would be flown and anthems played.
I thanked them for this and said I might indeed head up there one fine day when my working days are behind me here on planet Earth.
They then told me that another group had years previously gone to Earth to learn about farming in Mexico.
Alas, only to discover that the Mexicans were a poor substitute for the farmers they had heard about in Ireland.
And so, after that doomed trip to Mexico, the aliens vowed if ever they returned, it would be to Ireland, where the grass is greener and the best beef and milk in the world is produced.
"Well," says I, to my little green friend, as I shook his little hand, "you did the right thing in coming here to Ireland.
"A good dose of reality is what everyone receives here in Ireland," I declared to the fuzzy creature.
"What you get here is what you see," I said. I was talking sense, of course, and I could see the alien was all ears. He must have had at least thirteen.
Anyhow, with that, they flew off up into the sky, burning a hole in the ground with the height of flames and smoke.
Back into space or somewhere they went and to make a long story short, I never saw them again.
