Every thing’s wired to the stars

OUR resident astrologer, Krystal Bolsch, is seeing stars of a different kind this week, having carelessly walked right into a 50 foot, dayglo advertising hoarding that read, Look To The Future.

Her last words before slipping into a coma were, “I never saw that coming”.

Doctors say she is coming round but, naturally, we cannot expect her to produce her annual farmer’s horoscope, so we are extremely grateful to Mort Larkin for stepping into the breach and coming up with the goods.

Mort is of course better known for writing about tractor parts, methane emissions and in depth articles on boreholes, but he has gamely studied up on the topic all this week. We now print an abridged form in good time for the start of the local farming year, February 10, the feast day of St Larry of the Holy Tool, patron saint of farm labourers and lab technicians.

Aquarius, despite your name, you don’t live underwater, unless you are a fish, and I don’t think fish have star signs. If they did, it would probably be...

Pisces, fish or fowl, it doesn’t matter, this is going to be a bad year for you and your ilk unless you pay me the money you owe me (that particular Piscean knows who he is).

Aries, despite the softy name that rhymes with fairies, this is apparently a good time to be an Aryan. Mars is in your hand, but remember, it melts in your mouth, not in your ...

Taurus, the bull is a farming sign, so you can’t go wrong. The new moon is in your favour, especially if the outhouse light is broken.

Gemini, don’t know any twins, but this is their sign, between 21 May and June 20 is a good time to expect a big birthday party.

Cancer, my own sign, and going by own reckoning, this year has to be better than the crap one put down last year. But I may be talking through Uranus, which is in my face all this week.

It appears Morty lost interest after his own star sign, he had nothing but bad news for all those who followed. This could be something to do with the fact they are all the star signs of people who have crossed him in the past.

A dark man at times, he has scrawled. “you are all doomed” in red on his astrological chart.

Next week, Mort looks at children.

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