Ask Audrey: 'There’s nothing funnier than a group of women discussing their favourite charity around the pool of a 5-star hotel'

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

C’mere what’s the story with watching Naked Attraction with your old doll’s mam. It’s that show on Channel 4 where the guest gets to see these four people in the absolute nip and chooses one of them for a date. (They call it a date, but you know yourself.) We do be glued to it all the time because they do hide nothing, but the old doll’s mam was here one night when it was on, and now she calls over to watch it with us all the time! She do be there saying smutty things about lad’s meat and veg and she’s 74. Can I ban her?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I know your pain. My Conor’s aunt is a nun and we had her over for dinner last night because there’s talk she’s about to inherit a farm outside Fermoy. Naked Attraction came on with a choice of four willies. #Mortification. I picked up the remote and said do you mind if I have a flick around. She said, is that what they’re calling it now? #TheFilthyNun

Ciao. I slept with this beautiful woman while back-packing last summer (in fact I slept with 13 of them, which is such a low number they call me ‘The Virgin’ in my village in Tuscany.) Anyway, this particular beautiful woman invited me to celebrate the New Year in her family home in Kinsale. Mamma Mia! And I thought Italian people were mad for sex. Everyone I meet invites me to this party on New Year’s Eve, and then they wink. Does this mean what I think?

– Giorgio, Milan.

I passed your question on to my friend, she’s a sex expert in Kinsale. (Who isn’t?) I said, tell me the truth now, is there a big swingers party in Kinsale on Monday night? She said, don’t be ridiculous - there are seven.

Hello old stock. It’s long-standing tradition in Chez Reggie to hire a massive house outside Schull for New Year’s Eve and fill it full of our closest friends and to put their housekeepers next door in a series of mobile homes. Hoggy’s cousin from San Diego has joined us this year, she’s a hyperwoke feminist. When I asked Hoggy what this means, he said someone under 35 with no sense of humour. My wife Marjorie always goes to bed early on New Year’s Eve, once Hoggy starts singing Pres songs, which should give me a free run at Miss San Diego come midnight. Do you think I should lob the gob?

– Reggie, outside Schull, I could swear she’s giving me the eye.

That’s all you’re going to get. I asked my hyperwoke friend Fiona (we call her Fee-minist) if there is any way that a feminist could be attracted to a gin-soaked balding woman-haters like yourself. (No offence.) She said I’d rather iron a naked photo of Piers Morgan on to my partner’s football shorts while singing ‘Stand By Your Man’. I’d say that’s a no.

New Year’s Nightmare in Chez Monica. We’re trying to arrange a last-minute weekend away in the Hotel Europe but Clodagh keeps copying her hard-working cousin on the messages to see if she wants in. This cousin is just back from a fortnight working with street kids in India and is bound to start banging on about the importance of looking after people who are less well off than yourself – sorry now, but that’s the last thing I want to be listening to at Christmas time. So, I’d like to know the etiquette here, is it ok to remove Clodagh from our Best Friends Forever WhatsApp?

– Monica, Blackrock Road.

I think you’re missing a trick not inviting Clodagh’s cousin. There’s nothing funnier than a group of women discussing their favourite charity around the pool of a 5-star hotel. #LadiesWhoLunch. Anyway, to your question. I messaged my Posh Cousin there and asked her if it’s ever ok to mute an old friend on WhatsApp. She never replied. #Bitch #BecauseIDriveARenault

How’re oo’ goin’ on. I’ve been worried for a while that herself is losing interest, not least because of the way she keeps calling me Enrico. This came to head on Christmas morning when she handed me a beard grooming kit, which would have been a poor enough present, even if I had such a thing as a beard. (I gave her a new iPhone along with a written promise that I’d buy a third underpants.) Anyway, I’m starting to think now there might be someone else, which is hard for me to even imagine, given that she’s 76 with a bad hip. Could you find me a private investigator?

– Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Dunmanway until you meet a man with a robin living in one of his eyebrows.

I know this private eye in Bandon. (Don’t ask.) I said, would you spy on a 76 year old Dunmanway woman with a bad hip? He said yes, but there is a 25% surcharge over my normal fee. I said why. He said, in case I have to watch her doing the deed. #FairEnough

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