Brian Kerr brilliant, Garth Crooks fumes, endless love for Martin Keown

The best performances and palaver from the Premier League.

LINE OF THE WEEKEND

On Today FM, Brian Kerr was first and best with his summary of the Stamford Bridge messing:

"If Costa was in a phone box on his own he’d ring the operator for an argument."

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ANGRIEST MAN

Garth Crooks built up a nice head of steam on Mike Dean:

Garth Crooks was NOT a happy man after the Gabriel / Costa situation: http://t.co/djXLVnG6sH, #bbcfootballhttps://t.co/C5PfmA97cn

— Match of the Day (@BBCMOTD) September 20, 2015

Remember, Garth doesn’t like people who unnecessarily draw attention to themselves:

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SECOND ANGRIEST MAN

None of the palava impaired Chelsea fans’ enjoyment in the slightest:

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QUOTE/UNQUOTE

Jose Mourinho was a bit of a shuttlecock with a reporter who asked about Costa:

“I can guess that when you were a kid you played badminton. It’s a great sport.”

Slaven Bilic is making the most of his honeymoon period:

“Of course it is brilliant. It is like when you come to a pub that is full of women! You will like it.”

Russia 2018 ambassador Alexei Smertin completely clears up any racism fears:

“There’s no racism in Russia, it doesn’t exist. Ten years ago, some fans may have given a banana to black guys – it was just for fun. I think the media is making the wrong image of Russia.”

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THE WEEKEND IN GUFF

Accidental brilliance from Martin Keown on MOTD2: "I could watch Ritchie all night long."

Alvin Martin: “John Terry, he’s the first name on the teamsheet.”

Adrian Durham: “I don’t think he’s playing.”

Paul Merson: “I can’t believe there is no clubs sniffing around the kid Wes Hoolahan.”

Jeff Stelling: “He’s 33, Merse.”

Owen Hargreaves sets the bar: “Perfection at its finest.”

Ian Wright: “Arsenal would have struggled, even with the full contingency of 11 men… “

Kevin “You are the ref” Kilbane: "I don’t think that’s a foul - it’s more he’s got his arm around him holding his shirt."

More @dangerhere

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THOSE WERE THE DAYS

Martin Keown also made Arsenal fans come over all wistful:

I would love to have played against Diego Costa!

— Martin Keown (@martinkeown5) September 19, 2015

PREMIER LEAGUE TEAM OF THE WEEKEND

Artur Boruc (Bournemouth)

Kept a clean sheet to help secure victory – including denying Jermain Defoe in a one-on-one clash.

Tyias Browning (Everton)

The 21-year-old right-back made his full Premier League debut and snuffed out the threat of Swansea’s dangerous winger Jefferson Montero.

Kurt Zouma (Chelsea)

An important goal to break the deadlock for Chelsea against Arsenal and backed up by an imperious display in defence.

Winston Reid (West Ham)

An outstanding evening for the New Zealand skipper to frustrate Manchester City’s attackers.

Cesc Fabregas (Chelsea)

Has made a stuttering start to the league season but was back to his best against his old club.

Mark Noble (West Ham)

Absolutely worked his socks off. Had clearly read the statistic that City often lose in Europe to teams who run more.

Dimitri Payet (West Ham)

The France international has added a creative edge to the Hammers midfield and played a pivotal role in the opening goal against City.

Anthony Martial (Man Utd)

Pay £36million for a teenager with only a handful of goals to his name? Bargain!

Graziano Pelle (Southampton)

Ended up on the losing side but scored two excellent goals against Manchester United.

Odion Ighalo (Watford)

The Nigerian striker was too hot to handle as he put Newcastle back into crisis mode.

Callum Wilson (Bournemouth)

Has had such an impact in his first few matches in the Premier League he is already being talked about for an England cap.