Rooney: beauty and the beast combined

GOD, I hate Sheffield. Even for Yorkshire, Satan’s own county, it’s grim. A relative used to live there so I stayed often and I can assure you the people are as hideous as the architecture of the city itself.

There’s a big shop-filled hole in the city centre that resembles a French toilet and it’s perfectly apt. Anyhooo.... ‘are you Wednesday in disguise?’ the spud-faced Sheffield United fans sang after they went a goal up on Saturday. Mmm. If they meant “do United, like the Owls, outclass the Blades in every historical way possible?” then I guess we are.

Rio Ferdinand was at fault for that goal, incidentally, a fact noted by only one newspaper; he continues to lead a charmed life when it comes to press coverage in general. Quite unlike his mate and the man who saved us with his brilliance, Wayne Rooney. Even in a great footballing week for him such as this past one, there’s always a media-related ointment fly, in this case being questioned by police over an alleged assault on a snapper outside the Panacea club on October 15.