Making monkeys of racists
There were the usual ups and downs. On Wednesday, one guru circulated a sober bulletin. “England winger Andros Townsend suffered a devastating ankle injury and is having surgery today which will render him unable to participate in this year’s World Cup.”
Closer inspection elicited that familiar heady whiff of opportunism. “Available to speak on the severity of this injury is ankle surgeon Dr Name Withheld. While Dr Withheld has not treated Townsend, he has treated countless athletes with this particular injury.”
A quick google suggests there were no takers, this time round, for the North Carolina doc’s best guesses. They can’t win ‘em all.
But it was some indication of the scale of the industry out there, working the angles, thinking outside the box and nibbling at the fringes of professional sport.
At least Andros will be spared any more jokes this summer about monkeys in space; which brings us to the racists — actual genuine racists time, rather than poor old Roy.
Over the years, some of the people who have administered professional sport have struggled to give us a strong impression that they are serious about racism.
No doubt they have had the finest PR minds on the case, people who feed them all the right buzz phrases like “zero tolerance” and “drastic measures”.
But then the administrators produce a token fine or shut down a small section of a stadium. And you suspect than many PR gurus are left shaking their heads and explaining that there is only so much they can do.
So people were reasonably impressed with the response of the NBA this week, to Donald Sterling, long-time owner of the LA Clippers, being captured on tape spewing horrible racist nonsense.
We are used to strong language in cases like this but not so used to strong sanctions, particularly with litigious billionaires across the table. When NBA commissioner Adam Silver banned Sterling for life, threw in a $2.5 million slap on the wrist, and announced he would be forced to sell the Clippers, it was generally accepted that this was as good a result as the PR people could have come up with.
We can take it that this was a PR call because Sterling didn’t become a racist this week or last and his previous involvement in discriminatory rental practices — which did a lot more harm than these ravings — ought to have triggered whatever fit and proper person alarms the NBA employs.
But this week Sterling became an embarrassment and a threat to player cooperation and sponsorship revenue. And the PR call was louder than the legal call.
People were impressed with Dani Alves too, when he picked up, and ate, a banana thrown at him by a supporter in the Villarreal crowd. Although they were more impressed before they found out this one was also down to the PR gurus.
It played like an improvised gesture but we learn now that this had all been trashed out with Neymar and various agencies. The ‘We Are All Monkeys’ marketing campaign was ready to roll; with hashtags, merch and the compulsory selfies, featuring celebrities munching bananas. We know, at this stage, not to entirely trust selfies. And sure enough, the whiff of opportunism was soon back in our nostrils, when we saw Luis Suarez’s famous teeth in action again; a man who could do with some rehabilitation in this area.
But there must be a little give and take with the gurus. If it seems contrived Neymar and Alves were waiting for the next banana to kick this off; it is disturbing they didn’t have long to wait. And, as Alves points out, he has tolerated half-hearted administrative efforts long enough.
You suspect there is only so much the PR gurus can achieve without stronger official backing. But let them work the angles, think outside the box and nibble at the lunatic fringes.
Another WWE script leaked on the internet. In it is a checklist stipulating that each night’s ‘sports entertainment’ should feature, among other things; a cliffhanger, a big stunt, humour, and a ‘holy shit’ moment.
Interestingly, while the story and character arcs — and the results, of course — are scripted; the actual nuts and bolts of the various bouts, which advance the narrative, are left for the wrestlers to work out between themselves.
In the coverage of football these days, you sometimes get the impression the narrative also takes precedence over the nuts and bolts.
Last week at Anfield, Steven Gerrard, in one tumble, provided the stunt and the humour, provoked many a ‘holy shit’, and set up a cliffhanger.
Even the WWE’s finest minds would congratulate themselves on the setup — Stevie’s huddle a fortnight before insisting there would be no slip.
In the aftermath, however, the main focus was on developing the Mourinho character arc; on advancing the narrative of Jose the mastermind; the evil genius who had lured blue-eyed Stevie and wide-eyed Brendan into his trap.
It is a narrative that almost survived Wednesday’s Champions League semi-final; another tactical masterclass from Chelsea that only lacked three or four of the Atletico Madrid lads falling over the ball when last man.
But as a slightly confused Conor McNamara once put it on Champions League night, back in his TV3 days: “They say football is unscripted drama and this match certainly hasn’t followed the script tonight.”
If the week dissolved into JT’s tears for Chelsea — the team who don’t want the ball — things also fell apart for the team who want too much of it.
Indeed, the chief Champions League narrative this week was, as Billo put it: “the death of that kinda ticky tacky”.
In truth, Pep Guardiola might have made the most convincing disavowal of the philosophy after the first leg in the Bernabeu, when he bemoaned Bayern’s inability to cope with Real Madrid’s athleticism.
If Jupp Heynckes left him well stocked with anything, it was athletes.
We might be careful not to allow the nuts and bolts of two early sucker punches from corners shape too much of the narrative.
But it was the beauty of Pep’s way; that there were few sucker punches because his opponent simply didn’t have the ball. It was the nearest thing we’ve seen to writing a script for a football match.
It might be a little soon to abandon it. In the likes of Robben and Ribery and Mandzukic, Pep has guys who never fretted that much about losing possession, knowing it will be along again shortly.
Pep insists he won’t tear up the script, so if Jupp’s players can’t learn the lines, he may need to change the cast.
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Antonio Conte: A neat dismissal of Rudi Garcia’s claims that team don’t try against Juventus: “I categorise them as bar talk.”
Australian newspaper MX: In a magnificent picture gaffe, confused likely United manager Louis van Gaal with genial ex-Neighbours stalwart Harold Bishop. Should be worth a song or two.
HELL IN A HANDCART
Franz Beckenbauer: “Bayern is not right. This is something we have known for weeks.” Always on hand at difficult times, Der Kaiser, to settle things down and give guys a boost.
Donald Trump: Trust The Donald to get his priorities right on the Donald Sterling business: “It’s terrible, he got set up by a very, very bad girlfriend.”
