Sheila Reilly: Is this when we stop tolerating abuse of women?

A woman carries flowers to lay with other floral tributes left near to the Grand Canal in Tullamore, County Offaly, where Aisling Murphy was murdered on Wednesday evening. 

Why do men murder women? Because they can.

It is uncomfortable to see it in black and white. We can tell ourselves it’s “not all men”, which is true, but the fact is the vast majority of
female murder victims are murdered by men.

We can tell ourselves it’s understandable that women would change their running routes, message their friends to tell them they got home safely, or buy alarms. 

But this is not about what women do, this is about the myriad ways we tolerate the abuse of women, from cat-calling to violence in the home.

We can tell ourselves that men who kill women are monsters, but they are not. They live and walk among us. 

They do not “lose control”. Taking a life is the ultimate act of control.

So we tell ourselves things have to change. However, amid the swirl of emotion is a deep sense of helplessness and a fear that the solution is beyond us. But the normalisation of the objectification, and control of women in our society is plain to see.

Canteen culture and bar counter conversations are soaked with it. It is built into the notion that we teach our daughters to be safe but not into the concept of what we must teach our sons. 

It is woven into the availability of pornography, the increase of violent porn, and a tacit acceptance that this is just part of lad culture. 

It is facilitated by weak sentencing of perpetrators who commit violent acts against women.

This is all borne out in a sense of entitlement on behalf of those who engage in this behaviour because they can. 

It is underpinned with an acceptance by the rest of us, not out of malice or ennui, but just sheer weariness at the prevalence of it.

Yesterday, women across Ireland changed their running routes again, made sure to send that ‘home safe’ text, or second-guessed a usual routine. But something else happened. 

There was a sense that this was the watershed moment that could change the Ireland women live in today and that our daughters grow up in tomorrow. 

It will be a damning indictment of us all, men and women, if this does not happen.

Ashling Murphy should be standing in front of a classroom of seven-year-olds this morning. Instead, her family are preparing for a funeral.