Marriage of political convenience which may result in issue

If exasperated headmaster Enda Kenny thought expelling Blueshirt bad girl Lucinda Creighton to reform school was going to make her change her ways, he was very much mistaken.

There she was at the RDS, centre of attention as usual, while her little gang of fellow rebel FG deputies and senators orbited like satellites around her brooding sun.

“Have you been reformed yet?”

That was the evangelic theme of the day as the 1,000-seater venue filled to capacity and the largely elderly crowd let rip at all facets of society.

Not so much Woodstock, more like Whinge-stock, but occasionally the one-dayer felt more like Weird-stock. As when one chap started off with the perfectly sensible suggestion of insisting on strict gender equality in the Oireachtas, before doing a complete verbal somersault and warning that women “lack the attributes to push themselves into the whole political arena”.

The next speaker from the floor, a woman, attacked the remark as “the worst comment I’ve ever heard”.

And so it went on as various people rose to their feet to demand: Ban this. Cut that. Bring back the other.

The largest cheer of the day came when Ms Creighton thanked people for their support in opposition to the Protection of Life During Pregnancy Bill which got her thrown out of the Fine Gael parliamentary party.

And that anti-X-Case legislation appeared to be real glue holding this gathering together.

For once, economist and guest speaker David McWilliams did not let his rhetorical flourish run away with him when he announced: “I am the only pro-choice liberal in the place.”

However, if this is the beginnings of a new party, it is going to have an ugly foreign policy if Mr McWilliams is put in charge of external relations judging by his comment regarding teenage discos: “How do you stop your daughter thinking the Ukrainian hooker look is a good idea?” he mused from the podium.

Ms Creighton said that all new movements go through three stages: derision, demonisation and then being taken seriously by critics, but the Reform Alliance would still seem to be stuck between the first and second phase.

Across the Irish Sea, UKIP, once branded right-wing cranks, now threaten to top the poll at the May Euro elections in a shock rebuff for the British political establishment.

UKIP members rejoice in the self-styled name of Kippers, but calling the Reformers, Reefers, would probably be barking up the wrong tree.

Attendees did not seem to mind Ed Walsh’s suggestion that a Michael O’Leary figure could be needed to knock the health service into shape, as the Ryanair boss had made Aer Lingus get its act together, which brought-up thoughts of a new HSE mantra: No Frills Pills.

But the conference seemed finally to find its right-wing anchor point when his call for another €3bn in health cuts was met with stoney silence.

The packed venue could have had even more footfall as one sheepish-looking man asked a steward: “Is this the Bride of the Year Show?”.

“No, this is political reform, Bride of the Year is next door,” he was helpfully informed, before sauntering off looking somewhat relieved to escape the event he had accidentally stumbled upon.

While not bride of the year, Ms Creighton was presiding over a marriage of political convenience which may well result in issue: the birth of a new political party.

But Reform School did not go all Lucinda’s way as one early contributor announced: “I would like the Oireachtas members here today to apologise for the part they have played in the mess we are in — we need a new party like we need a hole in the head.”

However, judging by the views on offer at the RDS, that new party’s slogan would be: “Backwards To The Future.”