Still or sparkling? Neither, my darling, let’s try a jug of tap instead

IF like me you are one of that (literally) dying breed of smokers, take a look at your cigarette packet.

On one side, printed in letters large enough to be seen from outer space, is the warning: “Smoking kills”, or some such thing.

On the other, in only slightly smaller letters, will be information about what cigarettes do to your sperm count or your unborn child. Lovely, eh? But I am not going to bore on again about the joys of tobacco. It’s been banned in public places for ages now.