Caroline O'Donoghue: Dealing with bad news when we have no choice but to just sit and stew in it

We’re at the point in the pandemic where we’ve all received bad news, in one way or another. Holidays cancelled, birthdays postponed, jobs lost, employees furloughed.

At one end of the spectrum, there’s “a loved one has died or is in critical condition”, and at the other end, there’s “I can’t get a plumber to come to my house for another two months, and the tap is dripping”.

These circumstances are all obviously very different, but share a trait in that they all qualify as bad news.

I got a bit of bad news this week: my book, Scenes of a Graphic Nature, is going to have its publication delayed by a few months due to the virus. It’s the right thing to do, business-wise, but the sensation of having to wait even longer for a thing I have been waiting for years already is gutting. As is the worry that financially, being an author is about to become harder than ever.

In the scale of problems created by the pandemic, it’s pretty small. Nevertheless, it’s a big deal to me.

How do we deal with bad news, normally?

We go out for a pint. We get pissed with our friends. We buy a lavish treat to cheer ourselves up. We sleep with someone new. We have a huge HIIT session at the gym. We book a blow-dry. You see what I’m getting at.

Right now, if we receive bad news, we have no choice but to just sit and stew in it. There’s no outlet for exorcising our demons.

Perhaps there’s something good, though, to be said for just sitting in it. Like a bad cold, the emotional pain of bad news passes when you take good care of it. So maybe it’s good that you can’t distract yourself with a new dress or a new partner. But what do you do instead?

1. Don’t try to outsmart your own sadness.

I asked a friend who has been receiving extremely bad news almost chronically for several years.

“You can’t outrun or outsmart sadness,” she says.

Maybe there are some hidden upsides to the bad news, but don’t work too hard to convince yourself of these hidden upsides too quickly. That part comes later. Maybe there are things you could have done to avoid the bad news. Don’t work too hard to identify those things.

You need to just sit in your sad space for a bit. Say, out loud:

I’m taking today to just feel sad. Nothing productive will be achieved in this time.

2. Be clear with what you need from other people.

In the initial sad space, you will have people in your life who will hate to see you so upset, and they will probably try to “solve” your sadness. They will mean well, but might not be what you actually need in the moment.

Someone telling you that something is not a big deal when, to you, it is a big deal, is not helpful. Again, this energy will be productive later, when you’re being productive, but not now. Say to the people closest to you:

I really appreciate this, but I would much rather you just gave me a hug/listened/made some tea.

3.Tea

You don’t have to drink it! But people will want to do something for you, so just accept it regardless of whether you’re in the mood for it.

Have a cuppa

4. Breathing

When we’re stressed, we tend to inhale air with our chest, as opposed to with our diaphragm. Chest breathing is more shallow and is associated with our fight-or-flight response, because it allows you to take a rapid succession of quick breaths. It also makes us much, much more anxious.

The only job you have during the sad period is to look after your breathing. Take long deep breaths that fill your stomach, hold for four, and exhale over four counts. This is extremely boring. Please keep doing it, even after it gets boring. It will help, I promise.

5. Lists

Only when you are completely exhausted and bored by being sad can you start doing productive things. This will involve a lot of lists, but make sure you start with the right ones. Keep the lists positive.

“Ways In Which My Finances Are F**ked” is not a good end to start from. “Allies, Armour and Attributes” is probably better.

Plan this thing like it’s a war you have every intention of winning. What do you have? Who owes you a favour? In what ways are you uniquely qualified to handle this?

6. Ask for help

All that help people were offering yesterday, when you were sad, now needs to be used. Lean on people.

Contrary to everything we have been taught about self-resilience, people like to be leaned on. I did not learn this until relatively late in life, and took a lot of pride in keeping my head down and visualising myself emerging triumphant, with no help from anyone else.

Then, last year, I found myself in a terrible situation at a work event, and realised that the only way out of it was to enlist the help of the event organisers, the other speakers, and a few random guys from behind the bar.

I was mortified to be so obviously helpless, but it was incredible to me how eager people were to help, how compassionate they could be to a total stranger, how much they were willing to stretch their own resources.

7. Finally, get on with it

If there’s a funny side to anything you’re going through, please, for the love of god, find it. Crack a joke. Someone ought to.