Sign this 7-point contract before watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

BEFORE you go to see Fifty Shades of Grey, you must enter into a contract. The contract is between the film dominating cinemas everywhere, and the audience submitting two hours and five minutes of their lives which they will never get back.

1. Fifty Shades of Grey is not a Farrow & Ball paint catalogue, although perusing one would be more pleasurable, and decidedly more exciting.