Outside the box: I just texted to say... I love you — 1,852 times

MOBILE phones are a wonderful thing. A digital umbilical cord, they allow your kids to roam freely, getting up to unsupervised god knows what, but still smart enough to send the odd reassuring text telling you are alive and well, whilst forewarning you of their next demands for food, cash, a lift, or all three.

The phone rules are simple — no porn, no downloading three hour movies or rip-off games, no international calls, and bob’s your uncle – a tenner a month contract, 500 free texts, lots of free talking minutes, and everyone’s happy. At least, until the €150 bill arrives for one of the mobiles. You might stare at your computer screen, trying to figure out which phone it relates to — your own? Have you been downloading adult movies in your sleep? No? It must be the youngest one — he has only recently got a phone, and has obviously been duped into downloading all those games with hidden charges.

But no — the €150 bill is showing up on screen as belonging to the phone of Perfect Daughter. How could this be? She has had her phone for ages now, and has never gone over her tenner a month limit before. Oh my god, she’s been hacked! That’s the only feasible possibility. So you ring the phone provider’s call centre in the Philippines and tell them that you have received a crazy bill.