Harvey getting a grip on himself, not women

Today let us look at the recent statement from a squillionaire Hollywood mogul exposed as a long-term sexual predator.

If only I were more prone to crudity, I’d say his surname sounds a lot like an onanistic mishap, but this is a respectable newspaper, so you’ll just to to imagine the word I’m thinking of instead. I speak of course of Mr Harvey Weinstein.

“I’m trying to do better….I have a long way to go.”

Congratulations to Mr Weinstein – Hollywood’s real life Jabba The Hutt - for such abject humility. What a guy! From now on, he will genuinely try not to sexually molest or abuse women at work – he will try better, although he still hasn’t quite arrived at his destination of viewing women as actual humans.

So he might still be prone to grabbing them by the inappropriates, but he’ll make more of an effort not to. Great! Nice one, Harvey. We’re all rootin’ for you.

None of this is his fault of course. It’s the culture, stupid. He would like to point out how he “came of age in the 60s and 70s, when all the rules about behaviour and workplaces were different.”

Of course they were. How unreasonable of women today to not make allowances for this fact when dealing with men like Mr Weinstein – don’t they realise that sexual misconduct is just a byproduct of an era when men were men and women were things?

He reassures us how he has assembled a “team of therapists”

to help him keep his hands to himself, as well as more sensitive areas of his anatomy inside his clothing while at work. Excellent! We love a trier. I’m sure we can all relate to the temptation of cornering colleagues in hallways and allegedly ejaculating into plant pots – who doesn’t set off on their daily commute with such hopes? Good on him for being so proactive with his team of therapists – because one is never enough. Like women, eh, Harvey?

“My journey now will be to learn about myself.”

We love anyone on a journey – so plucky, so X Factor.

Perhaps this journey may involve some future unscheduled stop offs in a variety of court rooms , but what really matters here is that the great man is learning about himself.

He is learning all about what happens when you spend years not trying hard enough to treat women as fellow humans, but as consumables.

Mr Weinstein says he would like to “conquer my demons”

. Let us applaud such a sentiment - nobody likes a demon. How difficult it must be for him, with the demon triumvirate of super-wealth, mega-success and ultra-privilege ruining his life.

That and a smart creative spouse and two cute kids. Perhaps losing his family, his job and his power will provide the necessary exorcism – will he be employing an actual exorcist amongst his team of therapists? Can’t hurt, can it?

Stay strong, Harvey. Sending thoughts and prayers.