Blame it all on the rules: Garth Brooks isn’t coming to Ireland

He loves us, he always will, but he ain’t coming.

In a statement that reads like the rough draft of some freshly brewed honky tonk, Garth Brooks last night confirmed none of the five shows planned for Croke Park will go ahead — finally drawing a line under a drama that will surely inspire a future Brooks’ ballad.

Blaming his decision not on his roots, but on the Irish authorities’ inability to change the rules and licence all five shows, Mr Brooks said to say he was crushed was “an understatement”.