‘Parents have no option but to be tough sometimes’

Parents have no option but to be tough sometimes on their children and this can lead to tussles and conflict, a priest told a congregation at the funeral Mass of a 15-year-old whose body was recovered from the River Shannon.

Fr Pat Seaver also warned the packed church, at the Mass for Chloe Kinsella, of the dangers and harm caused by alcohol.

The body of the 15-year-old Limerick girl was recovered six days after she went missing from her home at Kileely.

“The hard fact about parental love for teenagers is that often it has to be a tough love. And there’s a very good reason for that. Teenagers are hard-wired to explore, experiment, to be free. It is nature’s way of getting them ready to fly the nest, to become independent. Parental love on the other hand is designed to nourish and protect their babies from anything that could hurt or harm them. So the scene is set for on-going tussles and conflict. And of course, while young people are fighting for more and more freedom, they also want to feel safe, that their parents care enough about them to establish safe boundaries.”

Fr Seaver said, as boys and girls move into their mid- and late teens, they are entitled to pester their parents for some extra time out.

“Unfortunately, when parents do not establish house rules that are age appropriate for their teenagers, trouble can follow,” he said.

Psychotherapist and parenting expert Dr John Sharry said the key to successful parenting was striking a balance. “Parents do need to set rules but also to encourage independence. The thing is to do it gradually and to try and tread the middle ground. Granting total independence overnight or exerting total control is not how to do it. A negotiated gradual freedom is ideally the way to go, where parents know when to hold their ground.”

Dr Sharry said parents needed to do what they could to reduce risk factors associated with teenagers harming themselves such as engaging in drinking and drug taking.

Fr Seaver spoke of the terrible harm done to young people by alcohol.

He said it was sad that during a vigil on Thursday night for Chloe, a large number of young people were under the influence of drink.

Chloe’s older sister, Marguerite, who queued with her for One Direction concert tickets for over 19 hours the day before she went missing said: “I am going to miss you waking me up in the morning with your loud music, because it was your life.”