Ask Audrey: Don't go to Greenland, stay here and spend all your money instead

Sorting out Cork people for ages
Ask Audrey: Don't go to Greenland, stay here and spend all your money instead

C’mere, what’s the story with trying to explain the green list to me mam? She rang me Wednesday morning in a panic and said: "Micheál Martin said we all have to go to Greenland." I said: "Mam, don’t be listening to that gomey; he’s only from the southside." She said: "No, Dowcha Donie, I was listening to Neil Prendeville there, and I’m sure I heard him saying, 'The government advice is clear: We all have to go to Greenland'." 

My head do be fried from this green-list thing. I spent half of Thursday trying to convince my old doll that Slovakia is a country, rather than a refreshing lager. So, I know this is a fluid situation now, but can you get someone to ring me mam and tell her what’s going on, because I do be totally losing the will, with all the comings and goings? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I rang the HSE hotline there and asked: "What’s the latest advice?" The guy said: "Stay in Ireland and hand over all your money to someone who owns an Airbnb on the Wild Atlantic Way." I said: "Is that the official advice?" He said: "No, but it might as well be."

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, 'Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Wait to Tell You About the Smeg They Put in Their Mobile Home.'  (Smeg is the Scoil Mhuire of fridges, Audrey, just in case you’re wondering, which you might be, because you only live in Ballinlough.) Eva_Hippy@Heart said she thought the  three grand a week she paid for her campsite would be enough to repel the norrys, so you can imagine her surprise when she looked out the window, yesterday, and saw her neighbour taking his Jack Russell for a walk. I’m waking up in a sweat, because there is no river down here in Allihies, so it’s norries and southsiders in the one field, as if we were all the same! Do you know if there is a campsite in West Cork where they segregate people based on the way they pronounce 'Barley Cove'? Jenni, Douglas Road.  It’s 'Borley,' not 'Baar-lee'.

I ran this one by the posh cousin. I said: "How do you pronounce 'Barley Cove'?" She said: " ‘Couldn’t Afford a House in Crookhaven'." #TheShame

Hello, old stock. Things got a bit heated at relationship counselling with my wife, Marjorie —  she claimed that I’m distant and boorish and I countered, correctly, that she isn’t a 25-year-old Swedish gymnast with a thing for rich guys from the Blackrock Road. (I can’t believe Ulrika has gone back to Malmo.) Anyway, I’ve moved out to our apartment in the Elysian and I’d be lying if I said my wrist wasn’t worn out from swiping right on Tinder. Only last night, I met up with this very attractive woman from Newmarket, which is in north Cork, by all accounts. Things were going very well, so I showed her a photo of my yacht. She said: "That looks ‘mintal’ altogether." Then, she said her last boyfriend was a ‘dintist’. I’d love to meet her again, but we’ll never get around to doing the biz if I  have  to correct her pronunciation after every second sentence. So, how do you get a north Cork person to stop saying ‘mintal’? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I have an aunt living in Newmarket. (Look, at least it isn’t Kilfinane.) I said: "You’re from Cork City, what do you think of people who say 'mintal' and 'dintist'?" She said: "I think it’s 'brillunt'." #DeadToUs

Hey, dude, what’s up?!! I’m, like, travelling around the Wild Atlantic Way with my wife on our honeymoon. People back in Texas said: 'Don’t go, dude, they don’t want us over there.' I said: 'Ah, come on man, travelling across the Atlantic and infecting the natives? It doesn’t get any more American than that baby Christopher Columbus. Ya feelin’ me'? I’m wearing a 'Make America Great Again' hat, just to make it clear that I’m here and there ain’t a single thing you can do about that. Anyhow, we’re in the County Kerry right now and it’s wall-to-wall American accents, but every time I say, ‘Where you from, man?’, they say, ‘Dublin 4, dude.’ What’s this Dublin 4, man? Randy, Dallas and Dingle. We’re coming to Cork next.

Thanks for the warning. Dublin 4 is a part of Dublin, where they all speak with American accents, because they wish they were still British. I know, it’s confusing for us here, as well, in Ireland. I’ll get back to you if it gets any clearer.

How’re who goin’ on? I’m just after paying a visit to my cousin, out on Slea Head, beyond Dingle: Sean Mike Sean Mike O’Se O’Shea is his name. He has a bronze-age monument in his front garden; he charges tourists a tenner to go and look at it. The funny thing is, it wasn’t there last year. Himself and his brother built it back in May.

 Do you think I should build something similar? Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.

My neighbour is an expert in tourism and over-charging. I said: "What do passing tourists like to do in Dunmanway?" He said: "Accelerate." #BitHarsh

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