Family relationships are important — here's what therapists suggest you do when problems arise

As we can see with the Beckhams and daughter-in-law Nicola Peltz this week, even the most 'perfect' or wealthy and well-known families can find it tricky to navigate certain issues and tensions. A new book covering challenges like these is out now, writes Emer Harrington

Tue, 27 Jan, 2026 - 07:58

Emer Harrington

Everyone faces challenges within families at some point, whether it’s teenage anxiety, adult children bringing partners into family groups, caring for older relatives, or coping with loss. A new book, Family Therapy: Conversations for change, brings readers into the therapy room with Ireland’s leading systemic psychotherapists.

Dr Marie Murray, clinical psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Psychology UCD, explains the book covers all stages of family life.

A resource like this is definitely needed, notes Murray: “It’s probably overdue at some level. Families are such wide, diverse, and complex systems. The majority of people belong to a family, and across the whole development life cycle of the family, so many things can happen.”

As well as a tool for healthcare professionals, the book is helpful for anyone concerned about their own family dynamic. “It can be just so reassuring for people to read about a particular age and stage, and recognise ‘look, we’re not unique in that, these challenges are happening to other families’,” says Murray.

“Systemic therapy is looking at how people get into relationships — the couple relationship, then if they go on and if they formalise it through marriage, or retain partnership, then children. The impact of that when children come along, or if they don’t come along.”

Teenage anxiety

Karen Leonard’s chapter focuses on helping teenagers deal with anxiety. “It helps parents, particularly if their children are coming into the teenage years, to just get a sense of the issues that come to therapists. What’s ordinary stuff and what might be of concern, that it might be well worth having a conversation about?” says Murray.

“A child who’s very happy can go into secondary school, something can happen, or they might find it hard to adjust, or the subjects may be more difficult, or they can’t make friends, or they’re bullied.”

What to watch out for and how to help:

A change in behaviour can be a sign that something is up. “It’s often change in behaviour. So if you’re kind of trotting along merrily with your teenager, and then there’s a change, less conversation, avoidance, more secrecy, more time alone, not knowing where they are,” says Murray. “Anger, irritability, avoidance of ordinary things.”
Ask gently if something is wrong: “You can ask a young person. You can say: ‘I notice you’re looking a bit fed up, or is everything OK?’” says Murray. “There’s a difference between saying: ‘Oh you’re so angry or touchy’, and saying: ‘I’ve just been noticing you seem a bit fed up’.”
Don’t put labels on their emotions. “Sometimes, we can talk about people being depressed, and it can be an overused word, but it can be a very frightening word,” she says.
Going for a walk can make these conversations easier. “Occupy a young person, go for a walk. If families have a dog, that’s always wonderful, because they’re the best therapists in the world. It’s that kind of more casual, caring inquiry, rather than any confrontation.”
If you are concerned, consult your GP: “Go to your GP,” says Murray. “They are first line and a great resource, and they will often know what services are available, and they’ll be the people who make the referral.”

Older age

Family Therapy: Conversations for change. Edited by Dr Marie Murray in collaboration with the Family Therapy Association of Ireland

A chapter by Corry de Jongh covers older age and family relations. It can be challenging for families when parents begin to need support. “Parents who were always very independent, very capable, very self-sufficient, and maybe a resource to you, now require a little bit of help,” says Dr Murray.

For the adult child, it can be a difficult adjustment. “There’s a bit of grief, sometimes the loss or sadness of watching somebody change, watching people lose capacities they previously had,” she says.

Tensions can arise between siblings. “There can be differences in the family, who’s pulling their weight, is one person doing more than the others?”

When adult children live abroad, it can create issues. “That’s so hard for them, and they can often feel very guilty, but they can’t uproot their lives. They become conscious of ‘my parents won’t be here forever. I need to visit them more often'.”

Supporting ageing parents

Get the family together. “It can be very helpful if you can get a family together. People may be abroad, but at a time they might be home, just to look at, ‘how do we manage this?’,” says Murray.
If possible, involve experts. “Look at it with professionals. Go to a family therapist and look at who’s worried about this, who feels responsibility, who feels guilt, who feels a nursing home is the solution, who gets burnt out?”
Monitor any cognitive changes, and keep reviewing the situation. “It’s monitoring that and making sure they’re safe,” she says. “Keep a diary of events, if something happens, keep a note of it, for example, if keys get lost or there’s some difficulty they’re not able to cope with.”
Process your own feelings of grief at seeing a loved one decline. “That’s something for individual conversation or even journaling or writing.”
Talk to your parent. “Have a conversation with a parent when things are changing, to just ask them ‘is it hard for you at the moment?’,” says Murray.

“The whole thing is really about preserving the dignity of the person.”

Bereavement and loss

A chapter by Yvonne O’Meara covers bereavement and loss. “It’s the one that all of us will inevitably face. We may not necessarily face some of the issues in the book, but none of us are going to escape the loss of those who are close to us,” says Murray.

“Losing somebody you love, it really is a deep and profound loss, and it hits at every aspect of your being.”

Navigating grief in families

Stay connected well beyond the funeral. “People can be very attentive around the time of a funeral, and maybe for a while, but it can be an idea of ‘it’s time to move on. It’s time to get over to get over this’. People can, out of goodness of their hearts, want to lift you out of your experience of your grief and your mourning,” saysMurray.
Provide practical help. “Often it’s just being in silence with somebody, making a cup of tea, dropping over some meals, so that they’re nourished, and the house is warm. We need to kind of regress when we’re grieving and almost go back to being minded.”
Listen and let them tell the story of what happened. “People need to tell the story of how somebody died,” she says. “They tell the story over and over and over again.”
Grief can change over time. “They can be really upset if they laugh at something, it feels like a betrayal, or if a day or half a day goes by and they haven’t thought of someone.”
This chapter talks about continuing bonds. “We do not lose the people we’ve loved who have died. We
retain a relationship with them, and it changes as relationships do in life as well,” says Dr Murray.

A key message is to recognise how important family relationships are. “We don’t fight with people we don’t care about. So conflict is often a measure of our care, our connection, our wish for things to be OK,” says Murray.

If you need support, ask for help. “Don’t ever be afraid to seek to have a conversation about it. Systemic family therapy and therapy is not about judgement If you can get in early, people can feel reassured, problems can be dealt with before they become major, or before everybody becomes burnt out.”

Family Therapy: Conversations for change, published by Cork University Press, €16.95, is available now. All royalties go to the Family Therapy Association of Ireland (FTAI).